Milkytown 3D

The Ideal iTunes equalizer settings

2012-01-11T19:08:00.001-08:00

I was nerding out audiophile-style tonight, and came across this discussion of optimal iTunes equalizer settings. Buried in the comments section, an audio engineer discussed the benefits of "subtractive filtering". I followed his advice and was definitely pleased with the results. Try it for yourself - but remember, what sounds good to you is ultimately what's most important. If you have the prowess, here's a handy Applescript you can run to create the settings.

The original discussion

The comment of note:

As an audio engineer and producer with 18 years of experience in the field working in some of the 'finest studios in the world', I'm confident in saying that this approach is backwards.

Equalizers in both the analog and digital realm do subtractive filtering far better than additive filtering. When pulling the EQ down you are not creating the additive comb-filtering necessary to boost frequencies that do not already exist, so using this kind of approach is leaves more of the original audio intact and does not add as many artifacts to the signal.

Of course an FFT digital EQ can overcome this (which is why the Weiss products are so expensive but popular), but iTunes most certainly does not hog the processor by using FFT algorithms for it's EQ.

What would be more appropriate, and also avoid unnecessary distortion, is to do all of those adjustments subtractively, then making up the gain difference with the slider at the left. This is why the slider on the left exists, in case you were wondering.

Like this (-8, -5, -2, -4, -5, -6, -4, -2, 0, -3), if my math is correct. Then just boost the overall gain at the left to make up the difference.

I'm not suggesting this will sound "better" to you, but it will certainly be a cleaner way to use the EQ.

Phil Spector probably has a better idea of the ideal EQ settings.

Ween - Caesar

2011-11-08T08:52:00.000-08:00

Attn. people I know that are Ween fans: A few months ago Dean/Mickey released these demos from the Quebec recording sessions (at the time the album was going to be called "Caesar"). I've been listening to them over and over and they are excellent. You can download them here:

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=YC1LLT53

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=6Z2388I4

Some more info that popped up on the Ween forum (you will need to label the tracks yourself)

Deaner posted these on facebook on August 11, 2011. He had the files on chocodog but it got bombarded, so he fb messaged me and asked me to call him. I told him about megaupload (and he agreed that it is much faster and better than yousendit) and he told me to "do the dirty work" and post it in the right places. I also asked him when exactly these were recorded. And he told me. We also talked about Bootsy Collins and my blog, which you should be checking out if you like funk music: http://funkit.virose.net/?p=914

Special thanks to Deaner for being cool as shit and giving his fans special treats like this. We are truly spoiled.

- RandyB

Ween
Summer 2001 to Spring 2003
"Caesar Demos"

Disc One:

01. Chocolate Town

02. Pot Luck

03. Ooh Vah Lah

04. So Many People In The Neighborhood

05. Linda (The Sexy Dancer)

06. That Man (From The Flatland)

07. Happy Colored Marbles

08. Hey There Fancypants

09. If You Could Save Yourself (You'd Save Us All)

10. It's Gonna Be A Long Night

11. Oh My Little Country Cottage

12. Among His Tribe

13. Transdermal Celebration

14. Captain

15. Tried & True

16. I Fell In Love Today

Disc Two:

01. I Don't Want It

02 Ambrosia Parsley

03. Zoloft

04. Love Come Down (recorded on 9-11-01)

05. Alcan Road

06. Don't Let The Moon Catch You Cryin'

07. You Can Go Shit In Your Hat (Matt)

08. Someday

09. She Caught My Fancy

10. Eulogy For David Anderson

11. Things You Already Know

12. Hello Johnny

13. I'm Wide Open

Notes from Deaner:

ween-caesar (we were calling this record that until the last moment when we decided to change the title to "quebec")

well what can i say about this here, lemme see. the first thing that comes to mind is that all the while we were doing this we still had claude coleman on drums, he eventually got into a major car wreck and wasn't around when it finally came time to make the "real" record. instead the drum duties fell on me, josh freese, and sim cain for a couple of tunes. almost all of this was recorded at our beach house in holgate, nj onto 16 track tape. a tiny bit of it was recorded in the garage behind aaron's house in pt. pleasant, pa. some of it was recorded in the spare bedroom of my house in new hope. most of the tunes are just me and aaron, with the two of us playing everything, with me on drums. the songs with claude, dave, and glenn are pretty obvious. on just a few tunes we took what you hear here and cleaned them up and had andrew weiss mix them for the record after some overdubs. dave sings on "it's gonna be a long night", this was days before he had surgery to remove polyps in his throat and his voice was really rough so we figured he was the guy for the job. This isn't even all of the tunes that we ended up choosing from, just the ones i happened to burn to cd before we drove home from the beach every week. hope you dig it for what it is.

-mickey (August 11, 2011)

dot COM

2011-10-27T12:14:00.001-07:00

I recently registered milkymanchester.com, which now redirects to this fantastically dormant blog. Recently, I've been working on Butchie Pantsdown 2, the sequel to my epic 2004 documentary of my college years. Needless to say, my post-college years aren't quite as frequently exciting, but there should be a few classic bits nonetheless. Here's a small preview, a clip from one of many late night jam sessions at my old pad, the legendary Country Livin':

This features my old bandmate, Mike Atari, and housemate Bobby Stuntcock aka DJ Rob. For some excellent old-school Jersey rock sounds, heck out some of their past bands' work:

Mike - Joe Famous and the Velcro Revival

Rob - The Stuntcocks

Milky's Shopping Tips

2011-03-29T11:38:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since the last 1% Blog post. To make up for lost time, here's some knowledge you might actually find helpful. I've been honing my frugality chops for the last few years, so allow me to drop some grocery store shopping knowledge on yo' ass.

#1 - When comparing the prices of two products, look at the unit cost.

This is shopping 101 right here, folks. Here's an easy example using olive oil:

The orange square to the left of the price is showing you how much you'd be paying for a gallon of olive oil at the current purchase price. You'll pay less now for the smaller bottle of olive oil ($6.69 for 16.9 oz), but you're getting a much better rate with the big can ($24.49 for 104 oz) Obviously, buying olive oil in bulk is the way to go, since you're always going to need it, and it doesn't go bad. You're saving at a rate of almost $20/gallon. Every product in the supermarket should show you the unit price, and similar products will always use the same measuring standard. Fer instance, toilet paper and paper towls will use the unit price "per 100 sheets". There are some remarkable differences, but you have to account for quality as well. The trick is to find the best quality product for the lowest unit price.

#2 - When buying packaged meat, vegetables or baked goods, look for the "packed on" date.

Meats, vegetables, and most baked goods are usually packed at the supermarket and can be left on the shelves for days. You obviously want the freshest food, so look for the most recent "packed on" date. Grocers will always put the oldest stuff up front to get rid of it quicker, so you might have to dig around to find the freshies.

#3 - You almost never have to "buy x for $x"

This is usually the old "Buy 10 for $10" or "Buy 3 for $5". What the grocer is not telling you is that you can buy just one item and get it at the same price you would if you bought 10. So, for example, Stop n' Shop says "Buy 10 bags of Doritos for $10", you can buy one and get it for $1. Supermarkets are TRICKY BASTARDS. Look for the fine print: the deal will always specify if you actually need to "Buy 10 for $10" by stating "must buy ten".

#4 - 85% of supermarket circulars are merely showing you the usual price.

Not everything in the supermarket circular is "on sale". Companies pay to have their items listed in the circular, and they are usually at the price you would normally find them at. Look for "with club card" (or something similar) next to the price for the items that are actually on sale. Of course, the "Buy One Get One" deals are the holy grail for deal-seekers, so if any of those items interest you, be sure to stock up while you can.

And finally,

#5 - The easiest way to save money is to not spend it.

Don't buy what you don't need. Don't buy something you otherwise wouldn't consider just because it's on sale. Don't shop when you're hungry (and chew on some sugarless gum). Consider each purchase - "do I really need this?" "will I actually eat all of this?" This takes patience and diligence, but it's your #1 coupon.

Sunset over Gowanus

2010-10-12T19:11:00.000-07:00

What is "Epic"?

2010-10-08T10:19:00.001-07:00

11:28 AM
me: there are lesbians everywhere

but not the good kind
11:29 AM
crusty old lesbians from the 70s
11:30 AM
Paul: where
11:32 AM
me: in my building

on my floor
11:33 AM
how was the rest of jury dutty

doody
11:34 AM
Paul: i got let out early

me: nice
19 minutes
11:54 AM
me: whats the plan for tonight

what time should we get to hanks

Paul: ehhhh christ

figure it out later

me: like 9ish
11:55 AM
when does the fun go on

Paul: like 11
11:58 AM
me: can I just show up at 11
11:59 AM
or 10.55

ive got video games to play

Paul: i know you do
25 minutes
12:24 PM
Paul: oh man so i never listened to semi precious weapons until i heard this song on radio last night

dont get mad at me cause i look better in your party dress
12:25 PM
folllowed by interview where they are now going on tour with gaga

ARGH!

bullshit music
12:28 PM
me: but you liked tha tik tok song
12:32 PM
Paul: i dont like it

i think she should be put down
12:33 PM
i like to do my stupid dance to it thogh

my stupid dance is timeless and can not be held accountable for the bad music that it comes out to

me: ahh

of couse

course

cant type today, got up too early
12:34 PM
are semi precious weapons gay

they look like a really bad version of the scissor sisters doing a really bad version of manhattan indie rock
12:39 PM
Paul: its really bad

me: lady gaga should write a couple of decent songs for them too
12:40 PM
Paul: ugh

i forgot how much you love over privaliged nyu kids in the theater relm
12:41 PM
me: the way you and your gay roommates revere madonna is the way this generation reveres lady gaga
12:42 PM
its not about being an nyu theatre student, its that she writes epic fuckin' songs that slay every gay disco on the planet

and I gotta respect that
12:43 PM
I'd think you would too
12:47 PM
Paul: epic?
12:48 PM
poker face is now epic

paperazzi

epic?

me: ummm... yes and yes

I would say songs that sit at number 1 for weeks on end would be considered epic

especially in this era
12:50 PM
you havent partied with the kids in a while, its ok... you dont have to like it, but give credit where credit is due
12:52 PM
Paul: ehhhhh

i do

and i dont think that is it

is she a good performer

yes
12:53 PM
me: actually, I would disagree there

Paul: songs are not her being good

its producers and beats

and she says the same shitty words over and over

i cant believe you would say epic
12:54 PM
woudl you call it phenominal
12:55 PM
me: yes I would

poker face was in the top 40 for 83 weeks
12:56 PM
almost a year and a half

how can you say that isn't an epic song

what would you define as an "epic song"

Paul: just because people that rock out withthat stars of jersey shore do shots to it makes it epic?

i would say some pavement songs are epic and they were never #1

me: pavement songs are not epic

Paul: just because all these idiots like its epic
12:58 PM
me: you should ask dugger if he likes lady gaga

I think he'd say yes

Paul: why does that matter
12:59 PM
me: well, dugger's not one of those "idiots", right

Paul: ok good for him he also listened to stairway to heave 5 times in a row

ummm

me: ok, so something is only epic if paul sweedlund likes it and says so

is that what youre saying

Paul: i dont live or die by the gays musical tastes
1:00 PM
no but what your saying is because every greased up guido in a club likes it its epic

me: yes, those people like it, but theyre not the only ones

Paul: are the killers epic
1:01 PM
me: theyve written some epic songs, yes

Paul: so slick produced regurgitated crap is now epic

me: no

you act like slick production hasn't been around for at least 30 years

Paul: if you had never met annie would your answers be the same

NO!

me: yes

Paul: NO!

you would rip on the killers and conway all day long and you know it
1:02 PM
me: ive Dj'd enough parties and karaoke nights to know better

Paul: theyt are good they are whats out now and its popular but to put them up as the new saints of music is stupid

gaga and killers will not stand test of time
1:03 PM
me: my personal opinion on the killers music might have changed, but not the idea that they have written epic songs

ok maybe our definitions of whats epic is what is off here
1:04 PM
is "don't stop believing" an epic song

to you

Paul: ugh i guess so then in that case you are correct
1:05 PM
me: ok, it's an epic song because why... it's insanely popular, you can play it almost anywhere and a large percentage of people will react positively to it

Paul: i was focused on epic as being a great arrangment with a song that builds and then releases and makes you feel things

i dont think any one feels poker face

me: thats absolutely wrong

Paul: is dogs epic?
1:06 PM
20 minutes long

not a hit

me: epically long, yes

Paul: but id say it sure as fuck is epic

so your saying dogs is epic/

?

me: not in the definition of what im trying to argue here

Paul: right
1:07 PM
well that was the definition i was arguing

what your saying is more of a cultural event

me: something that defines the era, things that are insanely popular and cross over into many groups of people and tastes
1:08 PM
such songs are rare

the killers and lady gaga have both written them

they will stand the test of time

no doubt in my mind

Paul: but is epic the right word

me: yes
1:09 PM
Paul: very imposing or impressive; surpassing the ordinary

me: yes

how many artists come to connect with so many people, like, a miniscule amount
1:10 PM
and people act like its just "slick production"... I know you're smart enough to realize how many other people are trying to do the same exact thing
1:11 PM
lady gaga has sold out every arena on the planet multiple times over in the last few years... and it's not because she wears goofy outfits and is some sort of "performance artist"
1:12 PM
its because she's written not one, but several songs that resonate so hard with so many people
1:13 PM
songs that hold up to repeated listenings, over and over and over

not to you or me, but there were lots of old folks saying the same thing about the beatles way back when
1:14 PM
im making an observational evaluation of what is "epic"... not my own dumb personal taste

Not sure who the joke is on...

2010-08-06T11:48:00.000-07:00

$1 Record find of the week...

2010-07-28T14:55:00.000-07:00

from some dude's stoop sale in Brooklyn.

Current Favorite Song - April 23rd 2010

2010-04-23T11:09:00.001-07:00

Like the celebrated music critic Lester Bangs once said: it's not nostalgia, it's taste. Besides, how can I be nostalgic for something that came out when I was three years old? Occasionally, I will get into some new music. More often, though, I find myself digging through the treasures of the past. No one ever clued me in to the Human League, mostly because I don't hang out with people who were of age and grooving to this shit in 1981 - but their album Dare is fantastic. You already know the Human League from their amazing single "Don't You Want Me" - which for some insanely bizarre or genius reason is the LAST track on the album. But the opening track, "The Things That Dreams Are Made Of" is the one I keep going back to. Notably, the staunchly anti-new wave Bangs was said to have died while listening to this album.

Give it to me one time nowwwwowowowowwwww (Product Endorsements #2)

2010-04-20T05:46:00.000-07:00

If you're in the market for a nice, sweet-sounding, portable set of over-the-ear headphones for under $50, I've already done the research for you. It essentially comes down to two models: The Sennheiser PX100, and the Koss PortaPro. You can easily snag either one for around $30. Both fold up into something about the size of a pair of folded sunglasses. I decided to stop by J&R Music World to make my final decision, so I could test the headphones myself, and maybe some other headphones from their massive headphone wall as seen in their somewhat humorous commercial:

Or so I thought. That actual headphone wall does not exist. I don't know where it is, but it's not at the J&R Music World on Park Row in New York City. The actual headphone wall is about a third of that size. And the sample music coming from the headphones is definitely not heavy metal (it was more of a classical/world music bent).

They did, however, have the Koss PortaPros on the headphone wall (all the way at the bottom, in the corner) among the otherwise $200+ headphones (if you buy headphones that cost more than that, we can't be friends). The PX100s weren't there. Not only that, they didn't even have PX100's in stock (they did have the slightly more expensive PX200's, which feature more bass response). But I really liked the way the PortaPros sounded (they actually sounded better than half of the expensive headphones on the wall), so I was sold. Then I noticed the "25th Anniversary edition" PortaPros on sale for exactly the same price! During my course of research on the subject, I had learned that the PortaPros were first introduced in 1984 (they sure look like it - see pic below) and have not changed in any way. The 25th Anniversary edition is a slightly modernized version.

Why mess with perfection? One of the few knocks against the PortaPros was the flimsy cable. The 25th Anniversary edition has a cloth-wrapped cable, addressing the primary flaw fans have wanted addressed over the years. Additionally, the steel headband is a sleek black color, and the outer earpieces are a dark grey color, as opposed to the blue/teal 80's garishness of the originals. It all comes in a sleek box with a commemorative coin(?!), leather travel bag, and a booklet on the history of Koss. Normally, the 25th Anniversary edition sells for about $50, but J&R had them for $30. Additionally, I've heard Best Buy sells the 25th Anniv. model, but without the packaging, for the same price.

The final selling point of the PortaPros is this: LIFETIME WARRANTY.

You've just bought the last pair of portable headphones you will ever need in your lifetime.

These are easily the best sounding portable headphones I've ever had in my life. The best way I can describe it is "3-D". It doesn't feel or sound like you're listening to portable headphones, it sounds like there's a stereo system in your head - especially when you're rocking some tricked-out studio production like Frankie Goes to Hollywood's "Welcome to the Pleasuredome":

Fonts I hate

2010-03-25T06:21:00.000-07:00

In another life, I was a graphic designer. Probably not a very good one, maybe I made some shitty local concert posters and designed logos for area businesses. But I do have an inner voice that likes to criticize certain design aesthetics. One thing that drives me nuts is the use of shitty fonts, most notably Papyrus and Comic Sans. A quick Google search reveals I am not alone:

Big Bad Book Blog: Fonts that make you look lame

Wall Street Journal: Typeface inspired by comic books has become a font of ill will

Papyrus Watch - a blog devoted to documenting and exposing the overuse of the shitty Papyrus font

Ban Comic Sans - the same thing, except for Comic Sans

Is it weird that a font can make me angry?

On being "punk rock"...

2010-03-23T10:23:00.000-07:00

http://matadornights.com/ny-audience-lets-iggy-pop-crash-to-the-floor-at-carnegie-hall/

What's less "punk rock"?

- The Stooges playing at Carnegie Hall
- The crowd at Carnegie Hall not catching Iggy Pop after he stage dives
- Stage diving (played out)
- Selling your song about heroin to a luxury cruise line for use in a commercial
- Appearing in a commercial for car insurance?

Milky's Official Nacho Ratings #2

2010-03-22T06:30:00.000-07:00

This past Friday's happy hour pub crawl concluded at the charming Perch Cafe on 5th Ave. in Brooklyn. After ingesting some absolutely delicious fries with chipotle mayo dipping sauce and equally satisfying buffalo wings at Dram Shop, I was a bit hesitant to continue chomping and drinking away the evening. However, among their fine selection of coffee and espresso, Perch also offers a PBR + whiskey shot combo for $4, which obviously necessitates an accompaniment of nachos. The vibe here was decidedly organic/vegetarian in nature, so I wasn't expecting anything too heavy-duty.

Location: Perch Cafe, Brooklyn
Price: $8

Chips: 4/5
Basic, but tasty blue corn chips.

Cheese: 2/5
The cheddar cheese was almost non-existent. What little cheddar there was tasted like a low-fat variety, but was still pretty good.

Toppings: 4/5
Heaping portions of guacamole, salsa, sour cream, black beans, and corn. The corn was sweet and delicious - a nice touch and something you don't find on many nacho platters.

Presentation: 4/5
Served in a deep bowl to keep things nice and tidy. Nothing was so watery as to sog up the chips.

Value: 3/5
At $8, about average for nachos on an appetizer menu. The portion size was on the small side, however.

Milky's Official Nacho Rating: B+

Top of the Charts

2010-02-11T07:34:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite websites is Last.fm - you install a small program on your computer and it keeps track of everything you play in iTunes, and you go to the last.fm website to check out your complete listening history in chart form or otherwise. You can do the same of all your friends also on last.fm, then bust on them when it shows 24 plays last week for Christopher Cross' "Sailing".

The only weird thing is my "Top Tracks" section, which for some reason doesn't actually contain my all-time top-played tracks (according to the official iTunes count). Anyway, this is what I've been digging the past couple weeks:

Buck Owens - A country legend (I've been getting into all the country legends over the last few years) who pioneered the "Bakersfield Sound". Also one of the first country acts to incorporate elements of rock n' roll with traditional honky tonk, Owens was more famously remembered by some as a cast member of the popular 70's television show "Hee Haw". Here's Buck doing a guest spot on the Dukes of Hazzard television program:

The Who - In the weeks leading up to their Super Bowl performance, I heard a lot about the Who, one of my all time favorite bands, which was getting me fired up for some of their back catalog. They also had a Who channel on Sirius satellite radio, which I listened to a lot at work. I found their Super Bowl performance to be absolutely dreadful, and I still don't understand why they continue to tour and how they justify charging their fans hundreds of dollars for tickets to a show that is only one half of actual Who members (not to mention the fact that Daltrey can't hit half of the original notes he sang, and Pete barely plays any lead guitar). Still, with so many great songs and albums, it's easy to get lost in a marathon Who listening session. Here's one of their finer pop moments:

Moistboyz - I was listening to this before I went out one night last weekend. This shit will get you fired up. Dean from Ween's side project is a psychedelic-metal fusion that is one of the hardest, rawest bands ever. Criminally overlooked, a mention on this blog will surely propel them to the superstardom they deserve.

The Nerves, "Hanging on the Telephone" - Blondie's cover is the more well-known version, but the original is probably greater for it's pop simplicity. My band is trying to do our own version of this classic, but as you may or may not know, pop songs are more complex and difficult to play than they sound, which is what makes them great.

Things I miss/don't miss about New Jersey

2010-01-26T08:03:00.000-08:00

I've lived in Brooklyn now for about three months. It's not the first time I've lived outside New Jersey (I lived in California from 2002-2003), but there are a few things I will probably always miss or not miss about it.

Miss: The Newark Star-Ledger. I love reading newspapers, and this is my newspaper of choice. It strikes the perfect balance between price and quality. It did not take me an entire day to read, but contained all the pertinent local, national, world, entertainment and sports news. Of course, there's the New York Times, which is good, but a bit long-winded, and usually contains sections I care nothing about (most of the Arts and Living stuff is terribly high-brow and boring), the sports section is usually lacking (too many puff pieces), and the daily price is $2 (the Star-Ledger is $0.75). There's also the Post and Daily News (at $0.50 daily), who have a couple positive traits (decent sports and local news coverage), but are generally only a couple steps above the National Enquirer.

Miss: Wawa. The greatest convenience store ever. Good coffee, great sandwiches, great prices, top-notch selection of your standard convenience store products.

Don't Miss: Having to drive everywhere. Kind of goes without saying, but I'm within a five minute walk of: 300 bars, grocery stores, 24-hour delis, pizza, great restaurants of every cuisine imaginable (there's an Australian bar/restaurant on my corner, an Ethiopian joint on the opposite corner, etc.), my band's practice space, thrift stores, coffee shops, hell, there's a Guitar Center and a Target just down the street (although it might be the crappiest Target I've ever been to, it's still Target).

Miss: Grocery store prices. I did brace myself for this, but I'm still not used to it.

Don't miss: Insects.

Miss: Nature.

Don't miss: Gas/tolls.

Go Jets/Vikings

2010-01-15T10:12:00.000-08:00

Give 'em the business

Milky Manchester's Guide to Nachos

2010-01-13T11:59:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite culinary delights are nachos. The basic premise, tortilla chips and cheese, lends itself to an almost infinite amount of combination with various ingredients of Mexican cuisine and otherwise. What I enjoy even more is critiquing the abysmal excuse for nachos many restaurants and eateries try to present me. So it was with great delight when last week I partook of an almost near-perfect plate of nachos. This got me to thinking, what makes a great nacho?

1. Chips. The foundation - this is crucial but often overlooked. The chips must be crispy and warm, a little salty but not overly so. They must be sturdy, able to support the weight of many toppings, and they must not sog easily.

2. Cheese. Most places strike out on nachos by using the generic, chemical-style nacho cheese. I have nothing wrong with this, in fact, I do enjoy it from time to time. But it's something you expect from $3 nachos at 7-11 or Taco Bell and is inexcusable at any sit-down restaurant. All it takes is a proper amount of Monterey Jack or a mild cheddar, and anything more exotic than that is a definite bonus. Of course, there must be enough cheese to go around, but not too much cheese that the nachos are bogged down by it.

3. Quality toppings. Here's where things get tricky: some places try to cram too much onto nachos, others get too skimpy. My preference is for one type of meat, usually chicken, ground beef or steak make for the best nachos. Then you need one, maybe two other layers of warm toppings. Black beans are good, but can end up sogging many of your nacho chips. Refried beans are also good, provided they are properly placed and not just a crushing pile in the middle of your nachos. Chili also makes an excellent topping. Then there's the stuff that is/should be a basic requirement of all nachos: sour cream and guacamole. On the side, preferably. Lettuce and tomatoes also help, and maybe a little salsa or taco sauce, but just a little, again - soggy chips = bad nachos. It is also my experience that 99% of nachos with scallions/green onions on top are quality nachos. More optional ingredients include green/red peppers, jalapenos, and black olives.

4. Presentation. The hardest part - how do you arrange everything just so? Making sure that almost every chip has some sort of nacho goodness? There is no easy way to do this, but some people just have the magic touch.

5. Value. Easy enough - how much bang are you getting for your nacho buck?

Grades:
A+ = Possibly the greatest nachos ever
A- = Almost perfection
B = Pretty good, missing a key component or two
C = Needs work
D = Barely qualify as nachos... missing most components of nacho-ness
F = NACHO FAIL

Presenting, Milky Manchester's first ever Official Nacho Rating!

Location: The Central Bar, Union Square, New York City
Menu Name: "Central Bar Nachos"
Options: Chicken or Steak (I chose steak)
Price: $10

Chips: 5/5
Cheese: 4/5
Toppings: 4/5
Presentation: 4/5
Value: 4/5
Milky's Official Nacho Rating: A-

Toppings: steak, black beans, guacamole, sour cream, scallions, tomato
The steak topping was excellent, nice size hunks of steak and plenty to go around. Fresh guacamole for extra points. A few chips were soggy from the black bean juice, probably one of the only factors keeping these nachos from an A+ rating. A perfect distribution of cheese. Crispy, delicious chips. While $10 is a little steep, it is NYC and the plate was big, easily enough for 3 people.

While doing a little research for this article, I came across a blog devoted to rating Nachos. YES!

Yummy Nachos Blog

Top 10 Moments of the 00's

2010-01-04T10:51:00.000-08:00

10 through 2: irrelevant

1. http://milkymanchester.blogspot.com/2008/03/from-archives-volume-ii.html

Killing time with classic websites #1

2010-01-04T09:59:00.000-08:00

Ishkur's Guide to Electronic Music

For a short while back in the 00's, I was the electronic music director at 90.3 FM the Core, my college radio station which I definitely spent way more time at AFTER college (mostly because it was a lot of fun, and because I eventually ended up working back at the same college for a few years). Technically, I was "RPM Director", "RPM" being the College Music Journal's (CMJ) term for electronic music (?).

Anyway, I had to review a lot of music, most of which I was not familiar with. I would constantly have to refer to this slightly out-of-date website (dig the sweet circa-2002 flash intro!) which does an excellent job breaking down genres of electronic music. Since there's a lot of crap out there in electronic music land, even those who have minimal knowledge of electronic music will find Ishkur's reviews entertaining, as he holds nothing back in his critique of each genre - which is very pleasing to those of us who have no use for Happy Hardcore and NRG (the sub-genres most people would associate with the term "techno music", i.e. the terrible club music that you'd hear in terrible clubs.) The kicker is in the layout - it's all mapped out in a nice circular timeline, with genres extending outward, connecting the dots between then and now. A quick click on the genre and you have the info you need, complete with several audio samples that play instantly. Those who do have an appreciation for musical history will find this to be highly informative and a great primer on all types of electronic music and it's (fairly) rich history.

swEEt jAmZ from the '00s

2009-12-31T10:41:00.000-08:00

A quick flip through the old itunes library reveals this to be one of my favorite tracks from the last decade. The year was 2004... I was living in the Brunz with the Reverend, working in the warehouse at Guitar Center store #822. Grohl was at the top of his game, Foo Fighters had a ton of hits, and he had just cut one of my favorite albums of the decade with Queens of the Stone Age (Songs for the Deaf) a couple years prior. The Probot album was him playing drums with all these old skool metal dudez, some I had heard of, but others not. It's a great primer on some of the legends of the genre, and probably the fifth greatest thing he has ever done (behind Songs for the Deaf, the 2 Nirvana albums, and the cover of Stairway to Heaven on the Craig Kilborne Show in 2005):

Product protests of 2009

2009-12-30T08:30:00.000-08:00

I stopped using Gillette products this year because they are endorsed by two tremendous douchebags:

1) Derek Jeter
2) Tiger Woods

Ok, neither of those guys are really douchebags (though perspectives vary widely). But I do hate the Yankees, and Tiger Woods with the whole etc. etc. Also, the owner of the company is also the owner of the motherf'n New England Patriots. Those f'ers always win. They don't need my money, either. You shave, the Patriots win. Did you ever think about that, Jets fans? How does it feel paying a part of Randy Moss' and Tom Bradys' contract?

Alright, I admit, my usage of Gillette products actually had nothing to do with their choice of product pitchmen. Rather, it was the tremendous cost of using their products, specifically, the famous Mach 3 razor blade. With it's 800% mark-up over cost, most dudes understand the wallet pain these little buggers inflict. Which is high-time I went OLD SKOOL

Ok, maybe not that old school... although a single-blade barbershop shave is pretty smooth. But actually one of these:

A Merkur single-blade safety razor. Yeah, you don't actually need three blades to get a close shave. And the replacement blades cost as little as 25 CENTS.

In times like these, it seems a bit silly to fork over $4 for a frickin' razor blade to Robert Kraft and help support the New England Patriots football dynasty. Instead, head over to the Art of Manliness blog and learn how to shave like your grandpa did.

Worst of the blah blah blah

2009-12-23T10:18:00.001-08:00

So many "best of/worst of" lists littering the internet these past few weeks have been re-kindling my love/hate for various albums, movies, and the like. Unfortunately, this includes what I consider to be one of the worst travesties of music ever perpetuated upon people who listen to music: Kid Rock's "All Summer Long". Why so much hate for such a simple little summertime ditty, Milky?

1. There's already a classic song titled "All Summer Long".
And one of my top 5 summer songs of all time. Must Kid Rock ruin everything?

2. It's the most unoriginal "original" song I've ever heard.
Let's see, take the hook of one highly recognizable classic rock anthem from the '70's for the verse, and lift the hook of another for the chorus. WOW! FUCKING BRILLIANT. Two more classic songs, ruined. But wait Kid, surely you've got some sort of Morrison-esque prose you can hit us with to save it:

"We didn't have no internet / but man I will never forget / the way the moonlight shined upon her hair"

Nevermind.

3. What was really happening in 1989.

Much of the song is dedicated to repeating the fact that Kid Rock spent most of the summer of 1989 singing Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Sweet Home Alabama". The rest of it deals briefly with a story of a cliche summer romance, and assuring us that he was drinking heavily and smoking "different things", most likely marijuana. While the latter fact may be true, in fact, Kid Rock spent the year 1989 rapping. Despite his image makeover in recent years, it's no secret that Kid Rock cut his teeth in the music business by attempting to gain fame as a hip-hop performer. A quick glance at his Wikipedia entry indicates he was on tour with the "Straight from the Underground" Tour in 1989, opening for Ice Cube and Too Short, among others. Additionally, it's highly doubtful that the rest of Kid Rock's social circle were constantly singing classic rock tunes from 15 years prior. Hair metal was peaking, and artists like Paula Abdul and Milli Vanilli were ruling the charts. To make the fraud complete, he shot the video in Nashville, Tennessee, despite penchant for constantly referencing his home state of Michigan. Gee Kid, dontcha think Michigan could use some of your business these days?

Of course, the song was a global smash. I was practically required to play it at every party I DJ'd that summer. As vapid, boring, and derivative as the song is, the fact that this song was a hit and that people somehow gleaned some sort of enjoyment out of it causes me great pain every time I hear it.

Down the Shore

2009-12-21T07:18:00.001-08:00

Dear People I Know Who Watch MTV's "Jersey Shore",

We've probably been friends (or at the very least, friendly acquaintances) for a while, and more than likely grew up in New Jersey together. Which makes this somewhat disturbing.

I realize you like trashy television. While I personally do not bother to watch much reality-themed television, I am aware that much of the most-watched prime-time television programming is "reality"-based. However, "Jersey Shore" seemed like something you wouldn't want to bother wasting your valuable available television-watching hours (or TiVo hard drive space) on for any number of reasons:

- Don't encourage them.
I know I'm shouting from an ivory tower and no one is really listening, but this is really scraping the barrel here. There's lowbrow television, and then there's this. This really seems like a new low, from the word "guido" being tossed around in promos to the whole guy-punching-girl thing, I find something deeply unsettling about this program.

- State pride.
We spend so much time and energy defending New Jersey from attacks by the rest of the country, and along comes this dumbass show to perpetuate another round of lame jokes, and here you are, WATCHING IT.

- State culture.
While you could make a weak case that the Sopranos was also offensive to Italian-Americans, you could not argue that it was one of the greatest television shows of the decade. Brilliantly written, acted, and performed, it is in rare company among the all-time greats. And it was filmed entirely in New Jersey. And then there's "The Boss". Bruce has been touring relentlessly over the last several years, and churning out a couple of great albums in the process. His music, inspired by his life and times in the Garden State, is loved and adored the world over. And there's even Frank Sinatra, Bon Jovi, etc. etc. ... any number of great performers of stage and screen who hail from or made their name in the Garden State of whom to be proud of. Somehow I don't think "Snooki" will ever be one of them.

- You know these people.
At least, you know OF them. We've all been to the shore. You make every effort to stay away from them. You've probably even had a good laugh at their expense already - all the while feeling relieved whenever you can escape their presence. The exterior appearance they spend so much time perfecting in the mirror because they're a bunch of narcissit goons tell you all you need to know about what's on the interior: They're a bunch of obnoxious jerks. You already know this, and now you want to watch hours and hours of this behavior? Are you also counting down the days until you can hit up Seaside and go clubbing at Bamboo?

- Grow up.
You're too old to be watching this. MTV's target demographic is well below your age. When you talk about it, or quote it on Facebook, you look like a damn fool. This is for kids who don't know any better, and will look back in a few years and wonder why they ever watched such garbage.

- You're glorifying a cultural divide.
I might be screaming from my soapbox, but if you watch this and enjoy it, you're finding a sick pleasure in laughing at these fools because of their outlandish behavior/fashion/lifestyle and not because you admire them for their wit and sophistication. Again, I'm pretty sure if I know you, you don't hang out with these types of folk. Maybe you like it because you can look down on them and laugh at them and feel better about yourself? Is that any reason to watch a television show?

Yeah, I get it, it's "trainwreck" television and that's why you watch it. There is also plenty of trainwreck television to go around that doesn't give the great state of New Jersey a bad name. Do yourself and all of us a favor: even if you do watch it, don't tell anyone you do. If anyone asks, tell them that no, you don't watch it, and end any sort of embarrassing discussion on the subject by explaining to that person that like any other state, yes, New Jersey has it's faults, and despite the stereotypes played out on television, it is also a source of great cultural and geographic beauty. And if you can't name more than two songs off of "Born to Run" or "Greetings from Asbury Park", that conversation should be irrelevant to begin with.

Karaoke Setlist

2009-10-21T17:58:00.000-07:00

I've always wondered what a karaoke night setlist would look like if I typed it out. So here goes, a recent setlist from the Harvest Moon karaoke night. See if you can spot a trend:

U2 - Where the Streets Have No Name

Lady Gaga - Poker Face

Monkees - Daydream Believer

Patty Loveless - I Think About Elvis

Queen - Crazy Little Thing Called Love

Elvis Presley - Suspicious Minds

Three Doors Down - Here Without You

Naked Eyes - Always Something There To Remind Me

Led Zeppelin - Whole Lotta Love

Something Corporate - If You C Jordan

Rascals - Good Lovin'

Commodores - Easy

Alanis Morrissette - Hand In My Pocket

Jeffrey Osborne - On the Wings of Love

Hives - Hate to Say I Told You So

Cake - Short Skirt, Long Jacket

Beatles - She Loves You

ELO - Don't Bring Me Down

Seven Mary Three - Cumbersome

Guns N' Roses - Welcome to the Jungle

Weezer - Say It Ain't So

Hall & Oates - Private Eyes

Kid Rock - Picture

Elton John - Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me

The Darkness - I Believe In a Thing Called Love

Cat Stevens - Wild World

Santana - Black Magic Woman

Carrie Underwood - Before He Cheats

John Cougar Mellencamp - Pink Houses

Bruce Springsteen - Thunder Road

Radiohead - Creep

Michael Jackson - Thriller

Lee Greenwood - God Bless the USA

Journey - Don't Stop Believing

Bloodhound Gang - Bad Touch

B-52s - Love Shack

Cake - The Distance

Aerosmith - Angel

Blues Traveller - Hook

The Doors - LA Woman

Damned if I could find any sort of trend or pattern there, other than it seems to be a complete and totally random assortment of music. Let me know if you see anything.

Common Karaoke Slips #1

2009-06-29T22:28:00.000-07:00

People hand me these sign-up slips with their names and songs they want to sing on them, but from my eyes, this is all I usually see...

[slips by Ninja Don]

Product Endorsement #1

2009-06-25T00:10:00.000-07:00

Reeses Puffs

A very versatile product: breakfast cereal, snack, or dessert confection. Mostly, I use it as a snack when I am craving peanut butter and/or chocolate. Reeses really hit it out of the park with this one - it has a perfect balance of choc and PB, just like a Cup. R&D people! And I'm not going to call it "healthy", but certainly a few handfuls of Reeses Puffs will do far less damage than a single Reeses Cup or a pack of Reeses Pieces. Add it to the list of things that sometimes make me wish I still smoked pot, along with the Pink Floyd album "Obscured By Clouds", Pineapple Express, and any episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

Milky at the Movies

2009-06-25T00:05:00.001-07:00

So, I saw "The Hangover" on the first Friday it was in the theaters a few weeks ago. Make no mistake: It is, without a doubt, the funniest movie in ten years - easily.

So I've been waiting for all the like-minded reviews to come in from my friends, but about 62% of them have been, "I didn't think it was that funny" or "It was so-so, it didn't live up to the hype".

Conclusion: 62% of my friends are idiots.

Songs I Ripped Off

2009-06-16T07:16:00.000-07:00

Currently, the only four chords I know on guitar are as follows:

C - D - G - Em

In my minimal attempts to learn guitar over the years, these are the only chords that have stuck with me. They're easy to play, and they sound good together. You can mix those up pretty much any way and write a simple pop song.

Recently, I was perusing some guitar tabs online, even though I can't really play guitar (I look for easy stuff). I came across the tab for Coldplay's "Viva La Vida", their recent smash-hit that has been the subject of recent lawsuits by overrated guitarists (Joe Satriani) and a has-been looking for newfound credibility (Cat Stevens, aka Yusef Islam), as well as thousands of dumbass ditto-heads that cry "did you hear about how Coldplay ripped off so-and-so? It's so obvious..."

What's funny is that I don't even like Coldplay, yet I can't help but have to constantly come to their defense on this. If the song wasn't a smash hit, you wouldn't have heard anything about this - all Joe Satriani and Cat Stevens are looking for is a cut of the big money pie that is "Viva La Vida", without having to do anything except claim to have written a passing resemblence to the melody many years ago . There are only a finite amount of melodies and chord combinations that sound good together in pop music - such as C D G Em, which is the chord progression of "Viva La Vida" (with a capo on the first fret) - which are the only chords I know.

Where's my cut?

Only in dreams

2009-04-02T14:23:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt I was an A-Wing pilot. A-Wings are nifty, but I definitely prefer the B-Wing or the Y-Wing. A video search on YouTube for things A-Wing related turned up a startling (scary) amount of Star Wars nerdery, so I'll just leave you with this classic bit of Star Wars in which the A-Wing is featured...

Drunk ppl r funney #2

2009-03-16T13:02:00.000-07:00

Drunk British Dude I Thought Was Angry But Actually Just Likes Crappy Early 90s Dance Music (As Do I): 'allo mate... you played a song before, it had a clip of this other great song... you know, it's got that cheesy early 90s piano sound (oh how I love that sound -milky). Man, that was great. You got any more of that? I think they're called Black Box?

THEY SURE ARE. YOUR REQUEST IS UP NEXT, MATE!

Oh, more Black Box, please? YES

Drunk ppl r funney #1

2009-03-16T12:58:00.000-07:00

Horny Business Dude Trying to Score with Much Younger Girl: DUDE! You gotta play that song for that girl. "Summer Loving". I don't even know her name. I think she just signed up. Actually, can you tell me her name? DUDE! WE'RE ALL GONNA SCORE IF YOU PLAY THAT SONG! YOU WANT TO GET LAID, DON'T YOU! WE'RE ALL GONNA GET LAID!!!!!!!! YEAH!

Later on, he slipped me $20 to play that chick's song next. I hope he scored.

Wait For It #1

2009-03-06T10:15:00.000-08:00

The following exchange takes place at the end of EVERY karaoke night (right after the lights go up and I've announced that "THIS IS THE LAST SONG"):

Random drunken fool: "I'm just wondering when my song is going to be up?"
Me: "Sorry, this is the last song of the night."
RDF: "So, there's no way I can sing my song tonight?"
Me: "Sorry, this is the last song of the night."
RDF: "Can I go next?"
Me: "Sorry, this is the last song of the night."
RDF: "Can you squeeze in one last song?"
Me: "Sorry, this is the last song of the night."
RDF: "There's no way you can fit me in?"

At this point, I retrieve my axe and the individual is decapitated. Thanks for coming out tonight! See you next Thursday!

List of stupid things people have said whilst I DJ - #4

2009-03-04T13:14:00.000-08:00

Date: Last Friday night
Location: Kings County, NY - my usual spot

A girl had requested to hear Wham's "Careless Whisper". Yes, it's a little corny, but it's still a great song, and since girls always get their request (see Milky Manchester's DJ Customer Relations Handbook, page 1: happy girls = happy bar), and it was during 80's hour (anytime after 1:00 AM), so naturally, request granted. Then this ODFFDDS walks up.

Overdressed Fuckface Douchebag Dick Sucker: Ummm... are you gonna play something new? This song is kind of lame.
Me: Yeah, I've played lots of "new" stuff tonight. This was by request.
Overdressed Fuckface Douchebag Dick Sucker: That doesn't mean you have to play it. Show some judgement.

Then he immediately turns and walks away - lucky for him, because for a split second, I honestly thought about popping him square in the nose. The smugness of his delivery was overwhelming. I shouldn't let people like this get to me, but I think the Lord would forgive my actions because that guy was seriously just looking to push the WRONG button. ARGH I'm getting mad just thinking about this &*$#@!$ a-hole again!

You thought you knew how to rock....

2009-01-20T10:29:00.000-08:00

...then you saw this guy.

Quit Acting Like a Drunken Fool and Respect the DJ ("Don't Be THAT Guy") - Tip #1

2009-01-12T12:52:00.000-08:00

Being a karaoke DJ (or "KJ"... god that sounds lame) sometimes requires much patience. This is generally true at the very tail end of the evening. The DJ is 99.9% of the time going to be far less inebriated than those who have made it to the point of the evening where the (ugly) lights have been turned on and you have been told to go home. We've all been there... you're super hammered, but not sickeningly so... you just don't want the good time to end, you're grasping at the last remnants of your good time, afraid that any change in scenery will no doubt wreck your flow.

But don't be this guy. The guy who demands, "DUDE! I gotta sing one more song!!!"

"C'mon man, just one more song, it'll be awesome. C'mon bro. It'll rock, I'm serious. Let's do it. C'mon. Are you for real? Just one more. C'mon. The manager said it was cool. Please, just one more. C'mon dude."

Dude. GIVE IT UP. The night is over. You're obviously not getting laid, and you're shitcanned. This isn't going to be some sort of mind-blowing, transcendent performance that's going to make me re-evaluate the nature of my existence. I want to go home. The bartenders and staff want to go home. IT'S OVER. How many times do I have to tell you "no"? Why do you feel compelled to insist that I stroke your ego so you can perform "American Pie" to the eight people left in the bar? That shit is SEVEN MINUTES LONG. At 2am, slightly buzzed and exhausted, that will feel like another four hours of being subjected to your banshee wailing. I will, however, make one exception.

I will let you sing one more song, if I can come to your job and demand that YOU work unpaid overtime!

My first jambox

2008-12-18T13:24:00.000-08:00

There's actually an ebay auction going on right now for the exact model of my first Fisher-Price tape deck. Note the simple, streamlined controls, with large, durable buttons, and a built-in microphone. They don't make 'em like this anymore! (click for link)

A History of Milky Jamz, Part II

2008-12-18T12:37:00.000-08:00

More tapes that I wore out between the ages of 5-8:

Billy Joel - An Innocent Man
As a child of MTV at the time, I was also enamored with the videos for "Uptown Girl" and "Tell Her About It", featuring Christine Brinkley and Rodney Dangerfield, respectively. Billy's knack for masterful pop hooks is out in full force here, with other classics including "The Longest Time" and "Keeping the Faith". When you're a kid, you want the hits, and this had a ton.

Van Halen - 1984
I used to listen to this album over and over and over again on the stereo in my Grandma's basement. Her basement was optimal for this because a) I could play this excessively loud while being told to turn it down a minimal amount of times and b) there was a lot of floor space and an old bed, which meant I could run all over the place pretending to be David Lee Roth/Eddie Van Halen, doing sweet jumps off the bed while performing wicked air guitar solos. When I took up the drums many years later, I would also play along to this album repeatedly ("Drop Dead Legs" being my favorite track to drum along to). To this day, I still rock the VH on a regular basis (Roth-era only).

Back to the Future - Original Motion Picture Soundtrack
Ah, the summer of 1985, a great time for blockbuster cinema. You couldn't be a kid and not own this one, if only for the seminal Huey Lewis cut "Power of Love"... yet, somehow, Lindsay Buckingham's "Time Bomb Town" and Eric Clapton's "Heaven Is Only One Step Away" became my favorites. Note that the performances of "Earth Angel" and "Night Train" are actually credited to Marvin Berry(!).

Huey Lewis & The News - Sports
Brian from The Carpetbaggers once mused that this album peaks halfway into the first track ("The Heart of Rock & Roll") and goes downhill from there. It may be somewhat true, but when you think of hit albums from the 80's, this will always be fondly remembered for it's multitude of radio-friendly hits from what is essentially a bar band from San Francisco. I would also highly reccomend the "Huey Lewis Wake Up Call" on any of your friends.

Pseudo Echo - Love An Adventure
Buoyed by their minor US chart hit, a cover of "Funkytown", Australia's Pseudo Echo somehow made a blip on the musical radar in 1987. I probably haven't listened to this since 1988, and I distinctly remember writing a paper on this album for a class in elementary school, but the reviews now seem to hold it up as being a not-so-terrible slice of new wave pop.

A History of Milky Jamz, Part I

2008-12-18T10:35:00.000-08:00

Since I've existed for 30 years now, what better time to do a musical retrospective of my life? You're probably wondering how the 4th best DJ in Somerset County, NJ, got to be the penultimate tastemaker he is today. So let's take a chronological (or, as I remember them) trip through my musical history...

Age 1, 1979
Song: Cotton-Eyed Joe - Al Dean & The All-Stars
Yes, the song you know today as one of the most obnoxious remixes ever recorded is actually a classic country song, this Al Dean version being one of the definitive versions. Somewhere there is Super 8 footage of me dancing to this in my diapers, as it was my number one jam from ages 1-3. I still have the original 7" record somewhere, too.
Age 2, 1980
Song: King Tut - Steve Martin
Coming in a close second for favorite dance jam of my early years was this Steve Martin classic, originally performed on Saturday Night Live. There is also film of me dancing to this in an attic somewhere.
king tut

Age 4, 1982
Cassette tape: Lionel Richie - Lionel Richie
There were a few cassette tapes I would rock so hard, that the tape would wear out and my mom would have to get me a new copy. This was the first.

These People Really Exist #1

2008-11-20T15:44:00.000-08:00

Date: 11/19/08
Place: Karaoke night, a backwoods bar somewhere in New Jersey
Person: Incredibly Ignorant Guy Who Thinks Music Didn't Exist Until 1994

A friend of IIGWTMDEU1994 signed him up to sing Prince's classic "Purple Rain". Upon being called to the stage and being informed of the song he was set to perform, he proclaimed complete ignorance of the song or movie "Purple Rain". Figuring that any stage time is good stage time, he attempted to sing the song anyway. About twenty seconds into it, he threw up his hands in defeat.

Quote: "What is this... this is Prince? Prince wrote this? This is horrible."

He should have been shot on site then and there. He would later perform a version of Limp Bizkit's "Faith" that was highly accurate. (He has mastered the "scream-sing" technique favored by vocalists of the genre). These people really exist.

Financial Crisis brings about good things, too...

2008-09-26T10:04:00.000-07:00

I could write a hundred blog posts about certain types of advertising that drive me absolutely bonkers. One of them is Washington Mutual bank's advertising slogan. You all have heard and/or seen their f&%$@ing stupid commercials where some assclown goes "woo hoo!" I want to put a fist through a wall just thinking about how stupid it is right now. YOU ARE A FUCKING BANK. If I'm entrusting someone to care for my money (not that I have any), I sure as hell am not going to give it to some clowns who's tagline is "woo hoo". That is why you are bankrupt. Well, I'm sure there are other reasons. But, maybe if you took the idea of caring for people's money a little more seriously instead of going "woo hoo" twenty fucking times in your commercials, you'd still be in business. Now I shall rejoice, as I will never have to hear some turd burglar say "woo hoo" on the radio 500 times a day. Unless I'm listening to Song 2. In which case, I will rock out.

List of stupid things people have said whilst I DJ #3

2008-08-21T13:32:00.000-07:00

August 16, 2008
Spoiled rich kid's graduation party

Hopeless aging father: "Can ya play something that will make people dance? Something for the older folks..."
(note: Paid DJ's will constantly be trying to get people to dance. It's our job. Your job is to make sure your guests get properly smashed so that they will want to dance. It's difficult to do either when there are hordes of kids on sugar highs running amok.)
Me: Sure... what kinda stuff?
Hopeless aging father: "Ah, you know, something dance-y."
Me: Yeah, uh, well, what kind of bands or songs do you want to hear?
Hopeless aging father: "We're Disco Duck people."

Unfortunately, none of the "disco duck" people danced (and I rocked a killer disco set, too).

My new favorite comic strip

2008-08-21T12:06:00.001-07:00

More high-quality sarcastic humor at Dustinland

(Thanks, Will!)

Arguing on the internet is like competing in the special olympics...

2008-08-20T11:21:00.000-07:00

Recently, on the internet site reddit.com, I had commented on a story regarding a man who had recently been detained at JFK International Airport after returning from "a brief vacation to Syria". It seems he feels he was treated unfairly by the Department of Homeland Security. While I have a decidely liberal conscience, I found my views on this story differed greatly than with those who also peruse Reddit, who overwhelmingly sympathized with this man's plight.

Is it just me? Shouldn't I be the one who's getting older and grumpier about government services? Isn't complaining about being detained at the airport the equivalent of complaining about long lines at the Division of Motor Vehicles?

And isn't anyone else slightly relieved that someone who just went on a "brief vacation to Syria", a country which has numerous travel advisories issued by the CIA and Department of Interior, a haven for terrorists and overall haven for Anti-U.S. sentiment, would be detained upon re-entering this country? Wouldn't it be stupid to expect to NOT be detained?

NHS agent: So, what were you doing in Syria sir?
Stupid Idiot Traveler: Aw, just hangin' with some friends, checkin' out some clubs, ya know??!!
NHS agent: I'm going to have to detain you for further questioning.
Stupid Idiot Traveler: Awww man! Totally bogus! this is totally infringing on my rights and whatnot!!

Well, someone responded to my sentiments saying I was the douchebag, which is usually true.
But I'm starting to think most of the people who read reddit are just a bunch of overly idealistic liberal twats.

We're nothing but the nerds they say we are...

2008-08-13T12:00:00.001-07:00

You know you're an early 90's computer nerd [and had no life] when:

- You start getting nostalgic for Windows 3.1
(not as nerdy as the guy who wrote a wikipedia entry about it)

- You start getting nostalgic about Windows 3.1 color schemes

- You miss playing Gorillas and Nibbles for MS-DOS 5.0

- You think the glory days of online gaming involved Tele-Arena

- You remember how exciting it was the day 5600 baud modems came out (or 19.2, for that matter)

- Leisure Suit Larry and X-Wing for CD-ROM!!!!! (talk about nostalgia: a September release is planned for Leisure Suit Larry on PS3???!!!)

Oh, the memories...

Olympics / The word "phenomenal" update

2008-08-12T20:36:00.000-07:00

- Whoever the fey commentator calling the gymnastics competition is, has used the word "phenomenal" at least 80 times so far. Can someone please get this man a thesaurus?

- Badminton is the curling of the summer olympics.

- It's amazing how obvious it is China is cheating by using girls below the minimum age for their gymnastics team.

- It's neat how people who were initially "too cool" to watch the olympics have been sucked in by it's greatness.

List of Stupid Things People Have Said Whilst I DJ - #2

2008-08-04T11:32:00.000-07:00

Thursday July 31st Karaoke night - Harvest Moon
It's not necessarily stupid, but highly amusing to me...

Random Headbanger: "Dude, you got any Suicidal Tendencies?"

Why I find this amusing: I'm just envisioning some karaoke company coming up with ideas for new songs, and one of their employees lamenting the fact that there are no Suicidal Tendencies tracks available for karaoke, despite the fact that people who listen to this legendary hardcore thrash metal band from the '80's are not very likely to be seen at a karaoke bar. However, it would be amazing for the following two reasons:

1. Having someone sing Suicidal Tendencies immediately after some fucktard who was all amped performing a Limp Bizkit song... "karaoke shame". I like thinking the Limp Bizkit douche would go home and re-assess his music collection, and how he used to think it was bad-ass.

2. Watching someone perform "Institutionalized".

Institutionalized
from the album Suicidal Tendencies, 1983

Sometimes I try to do things
And it just doesn't work out the way I want it to.
And I get real frustrated.
It's like, I try hard to do it
And I take my time
But it just doesn't work out the way I want it to.
It's like I concentrate on it real hard,
But it just doesn't work out.
And everything I do and everything I try,
It never turns out!
It's like, I need time to figure these things out.
There's always someone there going,
"Hey Mike, you know,
We've been noticing you've been having a lot of problems lately, you
know.
You should maybe get away,
And like, maybe you should talk about it,
You'd feel a lot better."
I go, "No, it's okay you know, I'll figure it out.
Just leave me alone, I'll figure it out you know.
I'm just working on myself."
And they go, "Well, you know, if you wanna talk about it,
I'll be here ya know,
And you'll probably feel a lot better if ya talked about it,
So why dontcha talk about it?!"
I go, "No! I don't want to I'm okay! I'll figure it out myself!"
But they just keep buggin' me,
They just keep buggin' me
And it builds up inside!

So you're gonna be institutionalized
You'll come out brainwashed with bloodshot eyes
You won't have any say
They'll brainwash you until you see their way

I'm not crazy - Institution
You're the one who's crazy - Institution
You're driving me crazy - Institution

They stuck me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help
To protect me from the enemy, myself

Uh - I was in my room
And I was just like staring at the wall thinking 'bout everything
But then again I was thinking about nothing.
And then my Mom came in,
And I didn't even know she was there.
She called my name
But I didn't hear her.
Then she started screaming, "Mike, Mike!"
And I go, "What? What's the matter?"
She goes, "What's the matter with you?!"
I go, "There's nothin' wrong Mom."
She goes, "Don't tell me that, you're on drugs!"
I go, "No Mom, I'm not on drugs.
I'm okay, I'm just thinking, you know.
Why don't ya give me a Pepsi?"
She goes, "No, you're on drugs!"
I go, "Mom, I'm okay, I'm just thinking."
She goes, "No, you're not thinking, you're on drugs!
Normal people don't act in that way!"
I go, "Mom, just give me a Pepsi please,
All I want is a Pepsi."
And she wouldn't give it to me!
All I wanted was a Pepsi!
Just one Pepsi!
And she wouldn't give it to me!
Just a Pepsi!

They give you a white shirt with long sleeves
Tied around your back, you're treated like thieves
Drug you up because they're lazy
It's too much work to help a crazy

I'm not crazy - Institution
You're the one who's crazy - Institution
You're driving me crazy - Institution

They stuck me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help
To protect me from the enemy, myself

I was sitting in my room.
My Mom and my Dad came in.
So they pull up a chair and they sat down.
They go, "Mike, we need to talk to you."
And I go, "Okay, what's the matter?"
They go, "Me and your Mom,
We've been noticing lately you've been having a lot of problems,
And you've been going off for no reason.
And we're afraid you're gonna hurt somebody,
We're afraid you're gonna hurt yourself.
So we decided that it would be in your best interest
If we put you somewhere
Where you could get the help that you need."
And I go, "Wait! What are ya talking about?!
We decided?!
My best interest?!
How do you know what my best interest is!
How can you say what my best interest is!
And what are ya trying ta say, I'm crazy?!
When I went to your schools!
I went to your churches!
I went to your institutional learning facilities!
So how can ya say I'm crazy?!

They say they're gonna fix my brain
Alleviate my suffering and my pain
But by the time they fix my head
Mentally, I'll be dead

Chorus (two verses):
I'm not crazy - Institution
You're the one who's crazy - Institution
You're driving me crazy - Institution

They stuck me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help
To protect me from the enemy, myself

...Doesn't matter I'll probably get hit by a car anyway

Steal Music

2008-07-22T09:14:00.000-07:00

So, long story short, this past weekend a massive electrical fire vaporized 2/3rds of my DJ equipment. I decide it's a good time to make the jump to "laptop DJ". So I've bought my laptop and new mixer and all that, and am doing research into some DJ software.

However, it seems that all of the songs I have dutifully purchased from the iTunes store, with their "DRM" (digital rights management) are pretty much either
a) unplayable by most DJ software programs, or
b) not cue-able by most DJ software programs (in other words, you can't listen to the song in your headphones before you play it live)

In another display of why the music industry continues to ream itself in the ass, then continually complain about people illegally downloading music (and sometimes suing them for thousands of dollars). This is why I will continue to blame Lars Ulrich for most of the world's ills. Thanks again, Lars.

Played-Out Karaoke Songs: Are We Done Yet?

2008-06-19T10:56:00.000-07:00

I know YOU think they rock... you being the stupid drunken d-bag who anxiously and excitedly hands me your karaoke slip and asks, "has anyone done Journey yet tonight?"

Of course, by "Journey", you mean, "Don't Stop Belivin'", Journey's #1 hit from November 1981. Rarely are other Journey songs performed, which is somewhat remarkable considering their abundant amount of hit songs and rock-radio staples. Which is why I present to you this list of PLAYED-OUT SHIT, and perhaps suggest a few alternatives that will win you freshness and credibility points, as well as the enthusiasm of a crowd who are currently numbing to these over-played classics.

Song: "Don't Stop Believin'"
Artist: Journey

So much has been said and so much more could be said about this song, that it's a waste of time to talk about it here. There was a global energy for this song a few years ago, as Journey began a slight revival in popularity, and so much has happened since (references in Family Guy and The Sopranos, most famously) that the magic is gone. We need to put this baby to bed for a while, so that one day it can return in all it's arena-rock glory.

Suggested alternatives: Any Way You Want It, Lights, Open Arms, Faithfully

Song: "Sweet Caroline"
Artist: Neil Diamond

From now on, it should be a law that you have to sing at least 4 other Neil Diamond songs before you can perform "Sweet Caroline". No other artist is so criminally underrepresented at karaoke nights than ol' Neil. The man has stacks of hit records, yet we are continually subjected to the constant refrains/obligations of answering "so good, so good, so good" that it's hard to get jacked up for it anymore. Special thanks to Angry Mark for keeping it real at the Harvest Moon karaoke nights.

Suggested alternatives: Cracklin' Rosie, I Am... I Said, Song Sung Blue, He Ain't Heavy - He's My Brother.

Song: Anything over 7 minutes long - including: "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" by Meat Loaf, "Piano Man" by Billy Joel, and "American Pie" by Don MacLean.

Unless you are employed professionally as a performance artist (stage, screen, music, or otherwise), it is impossible to hold an audience's attention for more than about five minutes. Anything longer than that is purely self-indulgent, and you will bore everyone to tears.

Suggested alternatives: anything under five minutes in length.

Song: "Baby Got Back"
Artist: Sir Mix-A-Lot

I've yet to see someone perform this in an entertaining fashion, save for the one time a middle-aged white man performed a surreal, Lou Reed-like version at a party several months back. And drunk white girls love getting hyphy to rap songs they know the words to, the problem is, even with the words on the screen in front of them, they flub the delivery through the majority of the song. And rap songs generally don't make for good three-person sing-alongs. I would strongly suggest that if you intend to karaoke a rap song, you practice at least several times a day for three to five months and perform it solo. Otherwise, you look more like an idiot than you already are.

Suggested alternatives: Practice your rapping at home.

Song: "Ice Ice Baby"
Artist: Vanilla Ice

This song isn't funny in an ironic way, nor is it entertaining or fun to listen to. It's painfully stupid. When I watch you sing this with unrelenting enthusiasm along with your "bros" as you swill Coors Light from a plastic bottle, I just want to do the human race a favor, and beat you over the head with a mic stand until you die.

Suggested Alternatives: Death.

Song: "Livin' on a Prayer"
Artist: Bon Jovi

Yes, we live in New Jersey, and I understand that celebrated pop/fluff metal rockers Bon Jovi also hail from this area (Sayreville reprazent), which is why you enjoy them doubly. Surely, they recorded songs other than this one. Why don't you try one sometime? No? That hurts your little brain? Oh. OK, I'm sorry..... "TOMMMY USED TO WORK ON THE DOOOOOOCKS..."

Suggested alternatives: Bad Medicine, Lay Your Hands on Me, You Give Love a Bad Name, Blaze of Glory, Runaway

Idea for this blog post partially jacked from:
http://www.holytaco.com/2008/06/17/14-songs-you-should-never-play-in-a-bar/

List of Stupid Things People Have Said Whilst I DJ

2008-06-03T12:13:00.001-07:00

I really need to start keeping a list of of the stupid things people say to me when I'm DJ'ing. Let's start from this past Saturday.

Date: 5/31
Event: Graduation party, Jersey shore area
What was said:
D-bag: "Yeah, you the DJ? These your CD's?"
Me: "Yessir."
D-bag: "Ok, you think you can play something a little more upbeat? We're about to slit our wrists back here."
Why this is funny:
The song that was playing at the time was Louis Prima's "Jump, Jive 'n Wail". I'm having a hard time picturing despondent goth/emo kids sitting at home, listening to Louis Prima and contemplating suicide.

It's Got What Plants Crave!

2008-06-03T10:29:00.000-07:00

A couple years ago, Mike Judge (creator/writer/producer of Beavis & Butt-head and Office Space), released his latest movie, "Idiocracy", to little fanfare (other than the fact that it was "a new movie by the guy who did Office Space). The more I watch this movie, the more I come to realize it's brilliance. [IMDB link]. Basically, Luke Wilson is a low-level military officer who is used in a government experiment which goes awry. He wakes up 500 years in the future to a society where the trailer-trash morons of the world have out-bred the intelligent, and the average IQ has been reduced significantly. There's a lot of social commentary, a lot of which deals with the saturation of advertising in our lives. So one of the problems vexing society in this movie is "the drought". People can't figure out why plants won't grow, even though they irrigate their soil with "Brawndo - The Thirst Mutilator", a sports-energy drink in the style of Gatorade. Brawndo's principal advertising point is "electrolytes", and society has been conditioned to believe that Brawndo is superior to water, as "it's got what plants crave! It's got electrolytes!".

Oh boy, today I see Tiger Woods has his own line of Gatorade product. And what does it have?
25% MORE ELECTROLYTES! I had no idea golfers got so dehyrdated!!! John Daly needs electrolytes, stat!

I guess this is only really funny if you have seen and enjoy the movie Idiocracy. It makes me laugh, but in a way, it's kind of scary. Anyhoo, you can also buy Brawndo now too, from the hysterical Brawndo website. I think I'll just pick up a t-shirt.

Big Sunglasses: Follow-up

2008-05-28T13:10:00.000-07:00

Dear Milky,

I have big sunglasses but I am a guy. They are not big big, but they are pretty big. Am I a d-bag? If it helps you decide, I am 5'11" and have a medium to ugly face and somewhat tan skin.

~Grad Student in Piscataway

Dear Grad Student,

Great question. I realized after that post that I spent a lot of time hating on the ladies and giving ZZ Top lots of props (not that they don't deserve it). And today, I happened to walk past a dude wearing rather large frames. And yes, he did look like a major douchenozzle. Here's the problem: You want to look fabulous (who doesn't?), but right now, large frames are a cop-out. You're saying to the rest of the world, "I think I look fab, but really I'm just a mindless idiot". It's not to say you can't pull it off. For instance, if you are into glam rock, or are a musician in a glam-rock band, or generally endorse the glam-rock lifestyle of cocaine, tastefully gaudy clothing, bi-sexuality, sleazy riffs copped from T.Rex and drum beats copped from Gary Glitter, then you can probably pull it off, as it is almost expected of you:

Elton

Spacehog

Ian Hunter of Mott the Hoople

But chances are, you are not an actual rocker. Even if you play an instrument in a band, your band probably sucks. Subtract more points if your band is not signed to a record label, and even more if the extent of your "tour schedule" is limited to the tri-state area. So for you, big sunglasses are out.

Getting more to the point: sunglasses make everyone infinitely cooler. Unless you wear sunglasses that make you look like a clown. You don't need them. Simplicity will always win. Stop wearing big stupid sunglasses, and you will be just fine. That is all.

My Nipples

2008-05-19T12:36:00.001-07:00

Now for a slightly revealing, if a bit unnerving, factoid about yours truly.

I have very perky nipples. Very hard. It's one of the few things I'm overly self-conscious of. And they make their presence well-known through lesser t-shirts. I do my best to hide them at all times. If not, it always appears as if I have just walked out of a meat locker. Recently, I stumbled upon these:

"Nipple concealer adhesives". Yes, it's geared for the ladies, but definitely something I can make use of. God bless America.

Link: Commando Nipple Concealer Adhesives

Kars 4 [Jewish] Kids

2008-05-06T09:23:00.000-07:00

This "Kars 4 Kids" charity has bothered me for a long time. It just seemed too generic. Like it was a front for something. Their stupid ad is all over the radio, every day. What charity can afford to constantly advertise on radio and highway billboards? And the billboards have pictures of cute little kids.... like "Awww... donate your old car, save the children!"

So today, after hearing that stupid "1-877 kars for kids" jingle for the billionth time, I decided to do a little digging. It took all of 2 minutes of Google searching to discover this charity funnels the proceeds from the scrapped autos to a group promoting orthodox Jewish education with flights to Israel and Jewish summer camp:

[[ In 2005, $2.8 million of JOY’s $3.1 million total program services expenses went to an organization called Oorah, according to JOY’s 501 (c)3 tax form for 2005.

Oorah’s goal, according to its Web site, is to awaken Jewish children and their families to their heritage, by sending them to Jewish day schools, or yeshivos, or even helping pay for their airfare to, or education in, Israel.

“While the children learn and grow, we bring adult education opportunities to the parents, as well as all the ritual objects and support they need to live a full Jewish life,” the organization reports. ]]

It's not that I have a problem with orthodox Jews. But I do have a huge problem with deceptive advertising like this. It's almost as bad as big sunglasses (almost).

Here's the full story: Charity News Stories - Scams

Youtube: WPIX Fact Finders

Big Sunglasses: Are we done yet?

2008-05-01T10:15:00.000-07:00

It's fashion week over here in Piscataway blog central. Or rather, hate-on fashion week. I don't purport to know much about fashion. You've probably seen the way I dress, it's nothing special. I'm a big fan of clearance racks, Target, black t-shirts, and Dickies. I'm also a big fan of being pissed-off by stupid fashion trends. Today's stupid fashion trend: big sunglasses.

Big sunglasses have been en vogue for a few years now. Wearing them is most commonly referred to as "The Jackie O Look":

(For the record, Jackie O copped this look from French actress Anouk Aimee):

For whatever reason, celebrity party girls, who may or may not actually know who "Jackie O" is, went apeshit for big sunglasses:

The problem with wearing big sunglasses is, you look like an asshole.

Now, girls who wear these probably don't think they look like assholes. They probably think they look "cute", or perhaps "fashionable", because they are simply falling in with the current trend of ditzy celebrity girls who are trying to hide their unkempt face from photographers. I'm sure there were five or six minutes there in 2005 when most people would regard this trend as "cute". Then it just became annoying.

Now, if you have real friends, I'm talking about the kinds of friends that would help you move dead bodies or tell you that you have food stuck in your teeth, they will/should tell you that you look like a royal fuckwad when wearing those sunglasses. And if they were true, 100% BFF's, they would also promptly remove them from your face and smash them on the ground into a million pieces. Unless your friend also thinks big sunglasses are cool, then you are SOL, and doomed to a lifetime of looking like a total douchebag.

"Oh Milky. You're such a hater. What kind of sunglasses SHOULD I wear?" I'm glad you asked! First off, you should immediately put on the song "Cheap Sunglasses" by ZZ Top. Partly because it's a sweet slice of 70's Texas funk-boogie, but also because it will inspire you to find a pair of quality, cheap, badass-looking sunglasses.

The key is to find sunglasses that fit your personality. Now, there are only so many styles of sunglasses, so it's pretty easy to narrow down. Why most girls would want to portray the personality of "vapid, egomaniacal, drunken celebrity party girl diva" by wearing oversized sunglasses is beyond me. There you see a picture of the aforementioned ZZ Top. The Top pretty much wear sunglasses 24 hours a day. There are almost no photographs of them NOT wearing sunglasses. Here, 2 of the three members went with the classic Ray-Ban Wayfarers, and Dusty Hill (left) is sporting a classic 60's square top. Both are timeless looks, and are definitively "rock and roll". Couple that with the legendary beards and the legendary riffs, and you have some bad-ass motherfuckers. Now, you don't have to grow a massive beard or write a song as good as "La Grange" to wear sunglasses and look cool. Part of the enjoyment of wearing sunglasses is the kind of instant, carefree "cool factor" they provide (in addition to shielding your eyes from harmful ultraviolet radiation). Ladies, it's unnecessary to think "the bigger the sunglasses, the better". A sophisticated, yet understated pair of shades will go a lot further than this in-your-face aesthetic of oversized nonsense. True, the slightly oversize Aviator sunglasses are also bad-ass, but it's a very tough look to pull off. You must be a pilot, a California Highway Patrol officer, Tom Cruise circa '86, or a rock musician who's music does not suck to wear them.

Yes

I could go on forever, but choosing a decent pair of sunglasses is really pretty easy. Just don't buy any that cover half your face or make you look like a complete fucktard. Keep it simple. Go for classic looks. Make sure the glass is dark, the frame is sturdy, and the world will be a better place for all of us.

Special thanks to the Cute Girls in Stupid Sunglasses blog.

Tambourine Etiquette

2008-04-08T10:42:00.000-07:00

Ah yes, the tambourine. What a beautiful instrument. It's texture is subtle, yet arousing. When used properly, it elicits a kind of added excitement to music. However, at some of the recent karaoke nights at the Harvest Moon, I have noticed a distinct lack of respect for the tambourine. Drunken fools are haphazardly handling this beautiful instrument and treating it as a childs' toy, much to the annoyance of myself and others. What is it about the tambourine that does not command respect from certain individuals?

Yes, it is a simple instrument. Yet, most people lack the natural rhythm necessary to handle it. True, the brightly colored yellow tambourine I employ at karaoke night does closely resemble one which a child might occasionally bang on, but that's only because people kept ripping off the nicer ones I would bring (such as the one in the picture above.. nice brass jingles, molded plastic handle, ergonomic and easy-to-play half-moon shape). Perhaps people have not fully considered the concept and application of the tambourine.

The tambourine has been employed by every great rock and pop band in the history of recorded music. For starters, you could take a look at the roster of Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductees, and you won't find one that hasn't used the tambourine as an accent in any number of great songs. From the ominous opening bars of Marvin Gaye's "I Heard It Through the Grapevine" to near lead-instrument status in Jet's "Are You Gonna Be My Girl?", from the Beatles to the Stones to the Jackson Five to almost every Oasis song ever recorded, the tambourine is more than an accent, it provides either a sweet flourish, a breathy layer, a deft swing, a swift kick, or lots of forward momentum. (This is not to say there are no detractors: In my old band, The Carpetbaggers, our lead singer Lars flat-out refused to play the tambourine on any song. He was way too into math-rock at the time to be bothered with such things. Lars would later go on to split a pig's skull open and roast the pig at our Cinco de Mayo party last year.)

Some thoughts on employing the tambourine for karaoke purposes:

- There are always certain songs which automatically call for tambourine. "Shout" by the Isley Brothers. Any Monkees song. Any Oasis song. The part in "Bohemian Rhapsody" for the line "...sends shivers down my spine [insert quick tambourine shake here], body's aching all the time." (drummer Roger Taylor employed a large orchestral triangle for the sound on the recorded version, but most karaoke dj's won't carry a large triangle with them). I'm fond of adding tambourine to the gospel choir part in Madonna's "Like a Prayer".

- Less is always more. I'm sure there are very few songs where the tambourine is played from start to finish. Keep the excitement of the tambourine fresh, use it only at key moments. When in doubt, use it during the chorus.

- Recently, for two weeks in a row, some dumb lipstick hippie chick would bogart the tambourine for, like, two hours. SHUT UP! This isn't a jam session, no one wants to hear you "rock out" the tambourine for two hours, especially the people who are trying to sing their song. Quit being such an attention whore.

- Sometimes, the tambourine is so critical to a song, it sounds empty without it. Make sure if you are singing one of these songs, you are prepared to go when it's your turn. Secure the tambourine as soon as possible.

- Lastly, if you lack rhythm, a little practice might go a long way. Nothing sounds worse than an out-of-time tambourine.

As you can see, I am a big fan of the tambourine, but it must be used properly. Adherence to these simple rules will help you establish your rock star credentials, and will vault you into the upper-echelon of karaoke masters.

Classic Pictures II

2008-03-21T11:25:00.001-07:00

Check out those sideburns!

From the Archives, Volume III

2008-03-19T12:50:00.000-07:00

Monday, April 10, 2006

Complaints

Today I wrote two letters of complaint to corporate offices. Most likely, they will go unread by anyone of importance, but it's been some time since I've felt so wronged as a consumer.

Today I ventured to the "A&W All American Food" franchise in Edison for some cheese curds and a root beer float. As a child, I have fond memories of stopping at an A&W stand in colorado on road trips to my grandparents house. I had yet to visit this particular A&W location, but it was with great anticipation that we ventured down Route 1 to partake in glorious root beer-related goodness. I left feeling more than a bit cheated, even violated.
Several things infuriated me as a consumer:

-They did not have any cheese curds. This item is currently featured prominently on their website, as well as with in-store signage. And if you've ever had cheese curds, you can imagine my disappointment.

-They did not have the ability to make a root beer float. "The float machine is broken". This is a fucking root beer stand!!!! I mean, ice cream + root beer = hydrogen + 2 oxygen!! FUCK!!!!!

-I asked for a chili cheese dog and got a double cheeseburger instead.

-The root beer that was on tap at their soda fountain WAS FLAT!! THIS IS A GOD DAMN MOTHERFUCKING ROOT BEER STAND! FUCK FUCK!!!!!!
(entertaining side note: on the dispenser for the diet A&W was a handwritten note that "taste before filling cup"... uhhhh...)

-We waited a solid 15 minutes for "fast food"...

-There was one guy making the food

-The cashiers drug dealer walked in and handed him a sealed cigar which he inspected for several minutes instead of helping his cook

-The bathroom smelled like death

-There were no readily available napkins

Did I mention that there were no root beer floats and the root beer was flat at a FUCKING ROOT BEER STAND?

anyway, onto consumer complaint ..2

I, being a music video junkie, regularly tune into the MTV2 program "Subterranean" on sunday nights at midnight, being that it's the last vestage of cutting-edge music-related programming on the channel (or on television for that matter). Sunday at midnight was also the former time slot for the much-revered "120 Minutes" program on MTV, god rest it's soul.
Recently, MTV2 has been running repeats of "Viva La Bam" for the 14556045000000th time in it's place, and pushing SUbterranean back to 3 AM, because apparently there is some stipulation that at least 50% of the programming on the channel has to involve Bam Margera (god im sick of that asshole).
Are ratings on sunday night at midnight really that important? isn't it ok to have just one somewhat progressive music-related program air at a decent hour?

why can't I relax on a sunday???! fucking corporate machine!

Dick Cheney: "Phenomenal"

2008-03-17T12:31:00.000-07:00

One more reason you need to strike this word from your lexicon. From today's New York Times:

BAGHDAD — A female suicide bomber penetrated one of the most secure perimeters in Iraq Monday evening and killed at least 42 people near the Imam Hussein shrine in the Shiite holy city of Karbala, according to the Iraqi authorities.

The explosion, the deadliest attack in Karbala in nearly a year, overshadowed a Baghdad visit by Vice President Dick Cheney, who met with Iraqi and American leaders and extolled what he described as “phenomenal” security improvements in the country.

"Play Something Upbeat"

2008-03-17T10:35:00.000-07:00

Often, I feel as if I am an alien from another planet. Do I hear music differently than other people? Have I so completely deluded myself into blurring the lines between trashy pop hits and respectable music that people are laughing at me? Or maybe there's some food in my teeth... I don't know. And it's when things like this happen that I begin to question myself.

Saturday night, I'm at the Tiger's Tale in Montgomery, NJ (which DOES exist, Don). It's just outside of Princeton, so I know it's a fairly "normal", educated, competent section of New Jersey. I'm setting up for karaoke night, and I'm playing a few tunes from my iPod to get things warmed up. The manager comes up to me and says, "Could you turn up the volume? And maybe play something a little more upbeat, we have a pretty young crowd in here tonight".

By "young crowd", she meant "people born in the late '60s, early '70s".

And the song I was playing when she asked me to play something "a little more upbeat" was "Got to Get You Into My Life" by Earth, Wind & Fire. It's a cover of a fairly upbeat, soulful Beatles song by one of the great upbeat funk bands of all time.

If you fancy yourself a DJ, try that one on for size. Go on, try and think of something MORE upbeat. There' s plenty of things equally upbeat to this song, but try "taking it up a notch".

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Looks like I gotta go find some more "upbeat" records.

Dumb Hipster Slang Update

2008-03-10T10:43:00.000-07:00

A rare Saturday night at home allowed me to catch a full episode of Saturday Night Live for the first time in several years. Good to see they share my disdain for hipster slang.

From the Archives, Volume II

2008-03-10T10:10:00.000-07:00

Friday, December 29, 2006

Milky's Greatest Moment of 2006

Several years ago, at the radio station I still DJ at (http://thecore.fm), I created a pre-recorded show for the automation player, which is basically a CD player which plays pre-recorded shows when no one is available to DJ. I still hear it every once in a while, especially over the summer, when there are fewer people around to DJ.

Fast forward to June 2006. I'm returning from a night of drinking at the Ale n' Wich to Reverend Quill's house on Woodbridge St. for the after-party. As we're walking upstairs, I hear a very familiar song coming from one of the rooms. I paused, quietly, to listen.. it was Squidvicar! Now, Squidvicar is an immensely obscure band, being that they've put out only one EP, which wasn't released by any record label, and only available through the Hammer & Tongs website (Squidvicar's alter-ego, who've directed some of the greatest music videos ever, as well as the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy motion picture). So, obviously, you can see my puzzlement here.

I whispered to the Reverend, "that's Squidvicar! who lives in that room?"

"Two lesbians," replied the Reverend.

Then, I heard my own voice.

"What the fuck! That's my radio show!"

"Oh yeah, they're big fans of the Core," the Reverend informed me.

So, it turns out two lesbians were merely listening to my old radio show. Drunkenly, The Reverend stumbles into their room, looking for beer and/or pot.

"Ooops. Sorry."

The Reverend quickly turned around and closed the door.

"I think they were having sex."

So there you have it. Two lesbians were having sex while listening to my radio show.
Easily the greatest moment of 2006, and easily a strong contender for the All-Time Greatest Moments Top Ten. God bless the Core, and God bless lesbians. I love you all.

Foodstuffs I

2008-03-10T10:07:00.001-07:00

Just call it my angel of the morning...

There's a reason very few boxes of Kellogg's Strawberry Delight Frosted Mini-Wheats remain when I go to pick one up at the Stop n' Shop every week. It is the pink crack of breakfast cereals. I can't stop, even if I wanted to. Plus, the 5 grams of dietary fiber per serving make sure my number two's are nice & regular. God bless you, Kelloggs.

Classic Pictures I

2008-02-29T12:34:00.000-08:00

OK, I gotta bump down that last post because that picture of my poor Honda is just too depressing. Here's a classic picture from 2003:

This is my good friend, Peter Shea. Pete's a real fun guy, and by that, I mean he's a mushroom. But seriously, the kid is a legend. Here he is standing over some passed-out hipster douchebag at an old 56 Wyckoff party. I mean, look at this hipster scum: he's got a gold blazer on, sunglasses at night, and some sort of sash. 2003 was a good year for hipsters, they seemed to be popping up on every streetcorner, infesting parties like some demon spawn of cockroach. This one is kind of a Jim Morrison hipster, but obviously can't drink like Morrison, and definitely was not fun to hang out with. Then you have Pete Shea, the real fucking deal, standing over this doucebag in glorius triumph. You can't out-party Pete. Even if Pete has some slight hipster tendencies (Pete will acknowledge this), he is too bad-ass to be considered an actual hipster.

I like to think of this as some version of that photo of Muhammed Ali standing over Sonny Liston, like Pete has just knocked out the epitome of hipster douchy-ness in a victory for all those who despise it. Peter Shea: The Greatest.

R.I.P. - "The Honda", 1993 - 2008

2008-02-25T19:37:00.000-08:00

It died a gruesome, unnatural death (and yes, I'm OK, thanks for asking!). For almost ten years, it was the vehicle which enabled myself and some good friends to have some wild, wild times. Initially, Stella would use it to drive Pauly to school. When little Pauly got all growed up, it would tandem with the Jeepster in wreaking havoc across Union County. From the Watchung Mountains to the abandoned Overbrook Psychiatric Hospital, from Club Bene to the summer camp where Andre hooked up with some skanky chick in the back seat, and shuttling the likes of such horribly named bands as Technicolor Highway, Dawn's Promise, and The Special People Club. Paul probably has (and can remember) some way better stories, so I'll leave that to him.

You're probably wondering what happened, and so I can save myself a few explanations, I'll detail the events of Saturday, February 23rd for you here. The day began promisingly enough, a lovely breakfast and a "river view" with my lady friend at the legendary Tom's Restaurant (apparently immortalized in the song "Tom's Diner" by Suzanne Vega, also the place I recently resolved to become a Soda Jerk after sampling the Cherry Lime Rickey and Vanilla Egg Cream sodas.) I had the crabcakes florentine and said vanilla egg cream, and life was grand. Next on the day's agenda was a trip to the movies for a matinee screening of Juno. Sitting at a red light, waiting to make a left turn, I glanced up at the rearview mirror. The next .5 seconds seemed more like 5 to 10 seconds.... I remember thinking, "wow, that car is going really fa----"... that's when, from pretty much from out of nowhere, a fucking fuckface who was driving way too fast on roads that were just a little bit too dangerous, hit me from behind, at a solid 40 MPH. I hit the car in front of me, the change dish exploded, sending nickels and quarters everywhere, and the smell of leaking fluids was pervasive. It was the first time I ever called 911.

The first thing I should note, is that when I got out of the car, the fucking fuckface that hit me was just kind of gawking at the damage. He didn't ask if everyone was all right, made no attempts to apologize. Just kinda stood there. I don't remember how long it took the cops to show up... my head was going a million miles an hour. I'd guess it's how someone might feel if they had gotten shot at, and missed. Except if you get shot at and missed, you generally aren't losing a valuable piece of property.

So the cops finally show up, the guy in front of me who I had hit is one of those shady cab-not-a-cab drivers. There is no damage to his tank of a taxi, and after a brief conversation with the police officer, of which he probably understood three words, he thinks the cop told him he can go. So he gets into his car and drives off... the cop flips out and jumps back in his cruiser and chases him down. So another 10 minutes or so later, we're finally back to square one with the cabbie re-assuming his position post-accident. While we're standing around, the passenger of the car that hit me is trying to convince me:
-to ask AAA if they can tow his car AND mine, since they don't have AAA.
-to send my car to his buddies' auto body shop.

I could feel rage building up inside me quickly, his lack of compassion and understanding that he is absolutely the last person on the planet I want to deal with right now could only be attributed to the possibility that he is :
-one of the biggest assholes on the planet
-completely clueless when it comes to Life In General

Obviously, the presence of police officers prevented me from losing my shit on this guy.

Later on, the accident investigator goes:
"You Willyard?"
"Yes sir." [hands me my license and documents]
"That's a hell of a name!"

Which is the first time anyone has referred to my last name being a "Hell of a name".
He then decreed the accident an "open and shut case". This cop won my heart.

A few moments after this, the driver who hit me was handcuffed for giving the officers a fake license.

Nearing the two-hour mark, the tow-truck operator shows up. He is sporting the remains of what was probably once a proud mullet and a severe lack of dental work. I mention I need to retrieve the contents of my trunk, as it contains valuable DJ equipment.
"Oh yeah??! I'm a DJ too!"

He then proceeds to remove his jacket, and then his shirt.
"Yeah man! Check out my tattoo!"

It is a tattoo of a squirrel manning a turntable. He mentions something about some DJ who once played for seven days and seven nights straight, and walks away to tow off the remains of the 1993 Honda Accord LX which has been my vehicle and friend for the past four years, but which has been a part of my life for almost 10. This one's for you, Honda.

kittehs

2008-02-20T09:44:00.000-08:00

I took a picture of my friend Paul's cat, Gomez, this weekend, and decided it would make a good LOLCat:

my first LOLcat. Thanks, Gomez!

New York I Love You But You're Bringing Me Down

2008-02-18T09:02:00.000-08:00

Lo these many years I have spent in various clubs and bars in the boroughs of New York City, Manhattan in particular. As a resident of the state of New Jersey, rarely is my opinion "relevant" to a New Yorker, and Manhattanites in particular. Now, as a DJ I realize there are DJs who are actual DJ's in the more "professional" sense of the word (those who make their entire living at it), and also DJs who are paid for their progressive taste in music (kinda like if I was paid to do my radio show).

For some time, I held New York DJ's to somewhat mythical standards, and generally the ones I heard were pretty top-notch. Perhaps I have become jaded with the passage of time, or possibly wiser, and I'm just not as naieve as I used to be, or maybe I just go to the wrong places, but when did DJ's in New York start sucking so badly?

Are there too many venues and not enough DJ's? Too many venues hiring the wrong DJ's? Has the Laptop and the MP3 begat an overly amateurish and inbred class of DJ? Surely the latter would favor trust-fund kids with lots of free time and disposable income, and without the need of a gig as a means of survival, they can DJ at below-market rates. Maybe I shouldn't expect much from a guy sitting in the corner with his laptop, looking disinterested in his surroundings. Maybe the lack of "cabaret licenses" has wiped out many of the better, smaller dance clubs. Whatever the case, a great little venue like the one I visited Saturday night for an 80s dance party deserves better than the DJs who would only rank as the 15th best in Somerset County (meaning they would rank somewhere in the lower 900's in Manhattan).

Apparently, just being able to press play on a cd player or mp3 interface on a laptop will net you a downtown DJ gig these days. Who needs to mix! Or learn to EQ! Or learn a little beat-matching! How about a crossfade? Naah! A good rule of thumb as a dj: when a cute girl asks you to play "Situation" by Yaz, on freakin' 80s night, YOU PLAY IT!!! (also, you don't need to play the Smiths twice and the Cure twice... WE GOT IT. There's already a "goth/industrial" dance party downstairs!)

I'm wondering if non-dj's even notice shit like people not mixing songs or the EQ being out of whack. Maybe we're just trying too hard. All I wanted was to hear "Situation".

I'm moving to Canada

2008-02-13T13:14:00.000-08:00

Notes:
- My previous post will probably be my last politically-themed post, ever.
- I just found out today the National League has a Silver Slugger Award for pitchers.
- Whatever the reason for global warming, it really sucks that it doesn't snow here much anymore.
- The Grammys and I agreed on something for the first time ever (the awesomeness of Amy Winehouse's Back to Black album).

My weekly radio program on 90.3 WVPH-FM in Piscataway, NJ allows me an outlet as a DJ to express myself more freely musically than I am normally able to (mostly because it's not a paying gig). DJ Milky Manchester can currently be heard every Sunday night from 8 pm to 10 pm at 90.3 FM in the central New Jersey area and worldwide on the internet at http://thecore.fm ... Feel free to call in at 732-445-9300 or via AOL Instant Pestering at "CoreRequests". I thought this past Sunday night's program was particularly excellent, have a go at the playlist if you're looking for some new music to dig into... (* = indicates a recently released album) [ listed as: artist - song - album ]

Fu Manchu	Saturn III	The Action Is Go
She Keeps Bees *	Stutter	Shhhh....
Meat Puppets	Aurora Borealis	II
Various Artists	Contort Yourself - James White & The Blacks (August Darnell Remix)	Disco Not Disco
Funkadelic	Back In Our Minds	Maggot Brain
Mike Ladd *	How Electricity Really Works	Nostalgialator
Black Grape	A Big Day In The North	It's Great When You're Straight, Yeah
Brian Jonestown Massacre	(David Bowie I Love You) Since I Was Six	Take It From The Man!
Lightspeed Champion *	Everyone I Know Is Listening To Crunk	Falling Off The Lavender Bridge
Ween	Mister, Would You Please Help My Pony?	Chocolate & Cheese
Commander Cody And His Lost Planet Airmen	Going Back To Tennessee	Hot To Trot
Willie Nelson *	Louisiana	Moment Of Forever
The Kinks	People Take Pictures Of Each Other	The Village Green Preservation Society
Os Mutantes *	Technicolor	Mutantes Live: Barbican Theater, London, 2006
Johnny Rivers	Seventh Son	Anthology
Betty Davis	Game Is My Middle Name	Betty Davis/They Say I'm Different (Reissue)
Stevie Wonder	You And I	Talking Book
Eddy Meets Yannah *	Once In A While	Once In A While
Serge Gainsbourg	Intoxicated Man	Serge
Slits	Or What Is?	Return Of The Giant Slits
Jackie Mittoo	Earthquake	Champion In The Arena
The Ergs!	Man Of Infirmity	Jersey's Best Prancers
Loved Ones, The *	The Inquirer	Build And Burn
Del Tha Funkee Homo Sapien	Sunny Meadowz	I Wish My Brother George Was Here

Gettin' Political with Milky

2008-02-12T10:59:00.000-08:00

I distrust 94% of all politicians. I haven't decided who I would cast a presidential vote for yet (assuming my main man Ron Paul is officially out of the running by then), but one name that was crossed off the list a long time ago was Hillary Clinton. Her embodiment of pure evil can be summed up by her absence at today's senate vote. There was a vote today "To strike the provisions providing immunity from civil liability to electronic communication service providers for certain assistance provided to the Government." Barack Obama was there (he voted in favor). Why isn't Hillary Clinton in Washington DC, representing her constituents in New York who elected her to serve as a Senator for their fair state, and to vote in their interests on important matters of concern such as this? Because she doesn't give a shit. About you, about this country. I don't know what, exactly, she DOES give a shit about... but I hope we never find out.

"_ is the new _", Episode 1

2008-02-07T10:36:00.000-08:00

I've decided to borrow another phrase from the hip kids' never-ending lexicon of hip vocabulary. "_____ is the new ______". It never gets old. We need some way to convey the ever-changing ideas of what is hip (man, I wish I had an mp3 blog... this is where I'd put a link to Tower of Power's seminal funk gem "What Is Hip?"). It's always tough to predict what, exactly, the next hip trend will be. There are lots of educated guesses, and what with "____ is the new ____" sounding so authoritative and bandied about constantly, we are endlessly bombarded by these cultural Nostradamus' predictions and their thoughts on the next paradigm shift of pop culture.

Now, in the world of DJ's, theres been some talk that 80's music is in a sort of cultural recession. I can't say as I agree, given the response that 80's music still gets at 2 am. I will, however, purport that:

Early 90's music is the new 80's music.

It's been slowly gaining momentum the last year or so. The time is ripe for a new wave of musical nostalgia. Kids who grew up on early-90's Z100 are at a time and place where the early 90's dance-pop and rock can be appreciated for the truly great works of musical craftsmanship they are. Certain songs and styles have withstood the test of time from every era of music, and this time period is no different. It has an immediate sound, which is instantly recognizable, and enough classic hits for at least a solid 60-minute set.

I don't think the fondness for the 80's will ever truly die out, at least not for quite some time. There are just too many good songs. And we're still three or four years off from a grunge revival (which WILL happen, eventually). The moment is upon us, however, to celebrate once again the magic of such acts as C+C Music Factory and Dee-Lite. I can hear some of you laughing, which is OK. You were either too young and missed the golden era of the early 90s, or have simply forgotten how great these classics are. Soon, you won't be able to escape it. This is the next wave, and it's a big one. Collect thy Funky Bunch LP's and go forth, preach the early 90's dance party!

[stay tuned for the ultimate early 90's dance party playlist...]

A phenomenal post

2008-01-30T12:20:00.000-08:00

Other words that are starting to bother me...

"Fierce" (thanks macmachine) - a big hit with the kids.

"Not so much" - running a close second behind "phenomenal" for most annoying use of language.

In fact, if you Google the phrase "not so much", this is the first result:
http://www.azcentral.com/ent/pop/articles/1031catchphrases1031.html

An entire article devoted to it's evolution and usage. No surprise that it's traced back to early episodes of the "Friends" television program. Unlike "phenomenal", in which the user tends to exaggerate the greatness of something, people who use "not so much" tend to think they are witty. Not so much, asshole.

Shit from an old notebook...

2008-01-27T13:45:00.000-08:00

It's Sunday, and the motors in my brain are all gunked up with weekend partying residue, so it's time for the classic cop-out archives series. Plus, it's cool to title your blog entries after Minutemen songs. These tragic DJ adventures seem to be a big hit, so here's one of the all-time classics:

Monday, November 27, 2006

The Worst DJ Gig Ever
Current mood: aggravated

In the world, there exist people without a soul. They're terrible, evil people. They have a bunch of soulless, asshole friends. They listen to terrible, emotionless, soulless music. These people have birthday parties, and they hired me to DJ at one. The problem is, I don't hang out with soulless people, so I really don't have any idea what their musical interests are. But I must have something they enjoy... right? Believe me when I tell you, I played EVERY POSSIBLE STYLE OF MUSIC I OWN. But this did not appease them. They need soulless people music. People without souls do NOT listen to any of the following:

motown, 60's R&B, jerry lee lewis, the beatles, disco, funk, the talking heads, new wave, 80's hits, 90's hits, anything on the tommy boy label circa 1990-1993, west coast rap, east coast rap, "i believe in a thing called love", willie nelson, daft punk, or motley crue.

oh, they enjoyed "SexyBack" and "Sweet Caroline". Who doesn't? And then someone gave me a "Bon Jovi Live 2006" and the "new" Buckcherry albums to play (since I was doing such a bad job at entertaining these people). Honestly, I didn't even know that Buckcherry still existed. I remember laughing at a minor hit song they had in like 1998 called "Lit Up". Apparently, they had a new, even more laughable song that is a huge hit with the Jersey Trash crowd called "Crazy Bitch". At some point, I was bombarded by requests for this song. Imagine being trapped in a room with 50 people, none of whom had a soul, and trying to play music for them. But you don't have any of the music they want to hear.

Why? The person running the party NEVER TOLD YOU WHAT MUSIC TO PLAY! On the phone call before this surprise birthday gig, the conversation with the girl organizing it for her boyfriend went something like this:

Me: "What bands does he like? any particular songs?"
Dumb Skank: "oh, he likes everything."
Me: "yeah, just give me a few bands so I have an idea..."
Dumb Skank: "well, I dont know, he listens to everything."
Me: "Any particular songs you want to hear? Does he have a favorite song?"
Dumb Skank: "What do you have?"
Me: "Well, I can get anything, just let me know what you guys listen to..."
Dumb Skank: "Nothing in particular..."

Nothing in particular. OK, maybe these people really like anything.... Duh, of course they don't!

Fast forward to the worst dj gig I ever had. I was even HECKLED ("play that funky music white boy!" "what the hell is this guy playing?"). No one would even request anything! Finally, there was a classic moment about two hours into it, where someone came up and asked me to play some "Metallica or Maiden!! Get this place rockin'!" Metallica or Maiden??? At a party with like, old people and stuff? Literally, seconds later, someone asked for Neil Diamond. Neil Diamond? Iron Maiden?? Where am I???! I've been Dj'ing for almost four years, specializing in dance parties, and I can never remember the sense of horror I had this night, with just a complete lack of sense of what these people wanted to hear. You know how sometimes Eli Manning looks totally and completely lost on the football field? I can now completely relate.

Then tonight, my boss forwards me this email from the girl who organized the party:

> From: "Janice Sxxxx"
> To: rob7pxxxxx@yahoo.com
> Subject: Surprise Party!
> Date: Sun, 26 Nov 2006 14:49:36 -0700
>
>
>
> Hey Rob,
> Hi how are you? I'm a little upset about the
> party last night. I
> should of had a party list but, when I called Erik
> he said he had
> everything. So you know you are at a 30th Birthday
> and first my boyfriend
> walks into happy birthday sweet sixteen. He is a
> man not a teenage girl.
> For a party you normally play cha cha slide the
> electric slide, he played no
> party music. I had to go up to him tell him to play
> something more upbeat
> my guests were falling asleep. Then one of guests
> went up to him to tell him
> he was 30 not 60. The most disappointing what DJ
> don't speak. For futher
> hires so people don't have a horrible time like my
> guests did please inform
> them that the DJ's you are giving to them don't
> talk. That's why I hired a
> DJ so he could get people moving on the dance floor
> have fun not just sit
> there and be bored. I'm sorry if this is rude, but
> he was awful. My mom
> has friends at work that were going to get married
> and I told him that he
> could of at least tried, but no he didn't. I really
> wish I didn't pay him
> lst night. I just hope for further peoples parties
> that he does you inform
> them that he does not talk on the microphone.
>
> Janice Sxxxx

For the record:

- The music they were "falling asleep to"? MOTOWN. FUCKING MOTOWN. If Motown doesn't make you move, you OBVIOUSLY HAVE NO SOUL. If Motown makes you fall asleep, you just might be related to Satan directly. And yeah, you're gonna tell me you've never heard the Jackson 5 at a fucking wedding? I can only imagine the poor sap who had to DJ that one.

- Not once did anyone request the Cha Cha Slide or the Electric Slide. I'm fairly positive no one would've danced to it anyway.

- And "Janice" did eventually request some music. CLUB MUSIC. "Do you have any club type music?" Which I did actually play. Daft Punk's "Around the World". A genuine dance-party ringer. No one danced.

- I personally think playing "Happy Birthday Sweet Sixteen" for anyone over the age of 25 on their birthday is hi-larious. But then again, I'm pretty sure I have a soul and a sense of humor. What's even more funny is that this was emasculating to him, and she took personal offense.

- She notes: "I wish I didn't pay him". She didn't. She went so far as to write me a check, then put a stop payment on the check.

- And this "talking on the microphone" business. If only she knew that I also do a radio show, I could've just done my radio DJ schtick the whole time!!! Now that would've been fun... "All right! A little Iron Maiden right there with 'Run to the Hills' off the 'Number of the Beast' LP from 1982! That's goin' out to Bob at the table in the back over there... good rockin' Bob! Right now in Old Bridge, it's Eleven fifteen in the P M, 43 degrees and cloudy... Comin' up next, a little two-fer Saturday with Neil Diamond!"

This isn't a fucking bar-mitzvah. All DJ's don't stand up there and try and get a bunch of drowsy 60 year-old parents and apathetic 30 year-olds to dance to Iron Maiden and the Cha Cha Slide. We play the music you ask us to play.

Now, I feel terrible that these people had a bad time. Never before have I felt so bad about my abilities as a dj. But communication is something I've been working at making myself better at for some time now. I'll take this as a learning experience on several levels. I can't relate/type out all that I've learned, but take this little bit of knowledge and wisdom I learned the hard way:

If you're paying someone lots of money to play music for you,

TELL THEM WHAT YOU WANT TO FUCKING HEAR!

Here's the kicker:

The theme of the party? "Party Like a Rockstar". They had balloons and banners with that printed on them, they even had shirts printed up for all the guests that said "I partied like a rockstar at Jxxxx's 30th birthday".

If there's a bright center in the universe of rock stars, these people are on the planet furthest from.

------

From Brooklyn to Bordentown, part III

2008-01-22T09:28:00.000-08:00

Ah, Saturday night at the Elks Lodge in Bordentown, NJ. Nothing more glamorous for a working DJ such as myself. After two nights indulging in mid-to-late 20's yoof culture, you'd think a night with some respectable, well-mannered adults would be a welcome respite from the insanity of binge-drinking twentysomethings.

I always hold older people in high regard. "Respect the elders" is one of the mantras of celebrated freeform radio host Vin Scelsa, and what Vin says, goes. Part of being a DJ is being cordial and maintaining a sunny disposition, and respecting your audience, and more often than not, those of adult age (read: your parents' age) are very respectful and cordial in return. However, some of the "adult" members of the celebrated Elks Lodge don't give a flip about being nice.

Whereas rudeness at the Harvest Moon would be someone asking me for the 40th time when their song is up, and rudeness at Last Exit would be some snot-nose loser from Dayton, Ohio who pretends he's "from" Brooklyn, NY telling me I suck, rudeness here in Bordentown is some guy literally grabbing the microphone out of my hands while I'm singing... because I'm singing "his song". Then all of his buddies laughing about it. Cue a clip of Michelle Taner saying, "how rude!"

Again, this is the exception, not the norm. The Elks are great people, and my only gripe would be that I'd expect a "social club" to be a little more rollicking on a Saturday night, but maybe that's because they live in Bordentown, which is neither a suburb of New York or Philadelphia, just some place out in the sticks where there are still rude mofo's, and people still love karaoke.

A diatribe on artificial sweeteners

2008-01-17T09:25:00.000-08:00

Last year my new year's resolution was to stop using the word "dude" (unless, of course, it was in reference to the Big Lebowski). I was successful, for the most part. I still slip up now and again, but I figured it was an easy goal to attain, and I did.

This year, however, I decided to set my sights on personal improvement a little higher. This year I fell victim to the oldest one in the book: eating healthy. This resolution actually started a few months ago, when I decided that my breakfast regimen of pork roll egg and cheese sandwiches and bagels had to go. I read that it's best to wean yourself off of these things, so by definition, I still eat them, just with much less regularity. Two other health decisions I already made a long time ago: 1) eat way less fast food 2) try not to drink anything containing "high fructose corn syrup".

I think #2 is something everyone should read up on. High fructose corn syrup is a substitute for pure cane sugar, but is processed in a way that is considerably less healthy. A passing glance at articles on the subject reveal that HFCS is known to cause
-liver damage
-obesity
-diabetes
-complications from diabetes including eye and nerve damage, and foot ulcers
-insulin resistance
-cardiovascular disease

Wikipedia: High Fructose Corn Syrup
The Murky World of High Fructose Corn Syrup
The Mayo Clinic: Why Is HFCS Bad For Me?

A Google search for "high fructose corn syrup" reveals a myriad of articles pertaining to a wild assortment of health risks. Ever since reading a bunch of them, I've become quite the "ingredients" detective. Obviously, it's no shock that almost every major brand of soda uses HFCS, so it's impossible to avoid it completely, but when I started checking major brands of juice, the results were surprising. I mean, it's juice, it's supposed to be healthy! Sugars are found naturally in fruit, we don't need a bunch of sweetener in them... right? Well, apparently, we do. So far, the only major brand of juice that is actually "100% juice" (that I've found recently, and I'm talking major brands here, not specialty), is Dole. Snapple, Ocean Spray, Tropicana, et al, all add this gross sweetener to my beloved juice. Juice... it's something you associate with health and purity, but here it is, tainted by this incredibly artificial product.

Of course, American drink makers are beholden to the use of HFCS because some stupid corporate conglomerate:

The preference for high-fructose corn syrup over cane sugar among the vast majority of American food and beverage manufacturers is largely due to U.S. import quotas and tariffs on sugar. These tariffs significantly increase the domestic U.S. price for sugar, forcing Americans to pay more than twice the world price for sugar, thus making high-fructose corn syrup an attractive substitute in U.S. markets. For instance, soft drink makers like Coca-Cola use sugar in other nations, but use high-fructose corn syrup in their U.S. products.

Large corporations, such as Archer Daniels Midland, lobby for the continuation of these subsidies.^[16] Since local and federal laws often put a limit on how much money one particular lobbyist can contribute,^[17] ADM's contributions are often given by numerous smaller entities under the authority of ADM. This is commonly called bundling political contributions.

Obviously, I'm not a health store nut or anything, I mean, I still have a ways to go to be "in shape", and we are talking about sugar here - when we should be talking about vegetables or food pyramids or something - but it's a start. I just hate the idea of putting this nasty stuff in my body. It's also good to see I'm not the only one who feels this way. The consumer rebellion against all this impurity has already begun. My local Wawa and QuickChek's both carry this "Naked" juice. I've become a dedicated fan of "Naked" juice, with it's two pounds of fruit in every bottle, it's gotta be the healthiest thing in the store. Also excellent for your coffee needs is "Sugar in the Raw", which is unrefined Hawaiian pure cane sugar. It actually contains small amounts of nutrients and has a more natural flavor than standard sugar.

As Joe Jackson once sang, "everything gives you cancer". Which is pretty much true. But I sure as hell ain't going down with foot ulcers, and if anything is gonna destroy my liver, it's not gonna be some stupid soda and fake juice.

Good to note: You can still buy Dr. Pepper made from pure cane sugar here.

The word "phenomenal"

2008-01-08T19:04:00.000-08:00

The word "phenomenal". I don't know why this word irritates me, but it does. Like nails on a chalkboard-type irritation. My sister used it during a recent conversation three times in the span of five minutes. There's a car commercial out now which uses it twice in 30 seconds. There's probably a hundred other instances over the past few months where I've heard this word used. Phenomenal. It has this subtle power to convey a supposed overwhelming awesomeness of something you experienced to another person, which I've noticed is it's most common usage. Apparently, there's a lot of amazing shit happening. Everything's freakin' phenomenal.

I feel like this word was sparsely used up until a couple of years ago. Then, for some reason, it started peppering more and more conversations. It's like the new hipster band of vocabulary words. Phenomenal has a $70 shag haircut and wears tight jeans. It listens to Animal Collective and The National and LCD Soundsystem on it's iPod Nano with white earbuds. It drinks PBRs with "Irony" and "Nostalgia" at the bar on Fridays, goes dancing and does bumps of coke with "Kitsch" on Saturdays.

To make a long blog post short, if you use the word "phenomenal" to describe something to me, and the event/situation/object is actually NOT phenomenal, but merely "outrageous", "hysterical", "totally sweet", or "awesome", I WILL slap you. Consider yourself warned...

Take Off, Eh! - Special Dispatch from Toronto, ON

2008-01-02T18:21:00.000-08:00

Greetings from the Great White North, where it really is great, white, and north of New Jersey. It's also pretty warm, a balmy -12 degrees (celsius). To convert this to fahrenheit, simply multiply by 9/5ths and add 32. In other words, its about 10 degrees to you, and a bit colder with that wind. For someone like me who thoroughly enjoys cold weather, and also complaining about people who constantly complain about cold weather, it's almost a vacation, except I sometimes have to work.

While at night I may be known as DJ Milky, during the day I have a couple joe jobs where I'm known as either just Erik or, in the case of my job as video assistant for the Scarlet Knights, Milky. So when the Rutgers University Football team rounded up it's entire support staff for the trip here to play in the International Bowl, along I went. This is my second trip to Toronto, the first being a few years ago when the crew drove up for the weekend to see Oasis play the Molson Centre. However, this is not your average trip across the border. For roughly 15 hours or so, I was living (not really, but sort of) like a rock star.

New Year's Eve found DJ Milky working late into the night. This is nothing new, but getting up at 9am the following morning to leave was. With about 2 hours of sleep under my belt after a night of heavy partying, I drove from Brooklyn to Piscataway in the rain, changed into a suit, got on a bus escorted by three state trooper patrol cars, got off the bus on the runway and got onto a charter 757. This was optimal because at this point, having to make a trip through the terminal at Newark airport would've killed me. Also awesome: We were greeted on the plane with a gourmet sack lunch, and I'm pretty sure no one was more ecstatic about this as I was.
Nothing like a smoked turkey wrap, ginger ale, milano cookies, cheese, and an apple to kill a brutal hangover. And an hour or so later, we're touchin' down at YYZ.

Nothing too exciting happened after that. I've walked at least 5 or 6 miles around Toronto in the last 24 hours, and went to Tim Horton's twice. Tim Horton's is the Dunkin' Donuts of Canada, in that they both serve delicious coffee and are located on almost every streetcorner. However, there is one key difference: everything you order at Tim Horton's comes with a donut. EVERYTHING. Coffee? Duh. Turkey Club? Well, OK. Bowl of chili? Now there's a donut to dunk. Maybe one day I can open up the first Tim Horton's in New Jersey.

Today, we set up some video equipment at the practice facility at the University of Toronto, where I encountered a great example of the disparity of sporting priority here in Canada as opposed to America.

The University of Toronto "Varsity Blues" (nice team name) hockey arena, which has substantially more seating than it's football stadium. It's all hockey, all the time. Front page, back page, even their professional NHL team, which sucks, is sold out for the next 17 years. However, I think I'm even more fascinated by the daily curling column in the Toronto Globe and Mail.

I'm off now to sample some tasty Canadian brews at highly-regarded C'est What and hopefully stop at Tim Horton's on the way back. You can catch me on the sidelines this Saturday at noon on ESPN2. Until then, I'll leave you with this parting shot of the view from my hotel room on the 24th floor of the Westin Harbor Castle:

Thanks Coach!

From Brooklyn to Bordentown [continued]

2007-12-30T19:58:00.000-08:00

Friday night
Last Exit Bar - Brooklyn, NY

Friday nights at Last Exit are a blast. Although a relatively low-paying gig as far as DJ'ing goes, it's one of the most fun. I stand at the end of the bar and play lots of sixties garage rock, Motown, soul, R&B, funk, disco, 80's, and early 90's drinkin' music. My friends stop by and hang out, and the bartenders are the coolest in Kings County. Whereas my normal Friday night would consist of paying for overpriced PBR's or drinking endless pints of (even more expensive) Bass and feeding fivers into some crappy digital jukebox, I get PAID to play my favorite music and drink for free. I really couldn't ask for much more out of life.

But like everything else in life, you gotta take a little bit of the bad along with the good. The Gods are continually conspiring against you to test your abilities at dealing with drunk people and your ability as a DJ to satisfy the crowd. There was one such moment a few months ago on what's usually a pretty down-to-earth bar.

It was September, and the Red Sox were playing the Yankees as the Yankees were fighting to stay afloat in the playoff race. Towards the end of the game, as the Yankees were about to win, the bartender (the lovely Lauren, who got me this gig) asked if I could play Frank Sinatra's "New York, New York" (see a theme developing here?) after the Yankees won, as they traditionally do at Yankee Stadium. So I happily oblige, and after Frank, I segue into a brief set of other Rat Pack legends such as Dean Martin and Sammy Davis. Classy, right?

So some overly-liquored asshole, who's been eyeing me down for the last couple hours for whatever reason, finally gets the drunken courage to confront me. The following is my approximate recollection of the exchange. Keep in mind a large group of my friends are standing there watching this transpire...

Douchebag: "What is this crap?"
Me: "Dean Martin?"
Doucebag: "Yeah... why are you playing this?"
Me: "It's a Rat Pack set... people wanted to hear Frank after the Yankees won, so it kinda made sense. You don't like it?"
Douchebag: "Why you gotta play that popular shit though? Why not Luck Be a Lady?"
Me: "New York New York? It's what they play when the Yankees win. And Luck Be a Lady is just as big a Sinatra song as any..."
Douchy: "What is this? Is this what you use?"
Me: "What, an iPod? Yeah, that, cd's, records..."
Douchy: "That's fucking lame dude... who can't do that? The bartenders could do that..."
Me: "Well, they kinda gotta tend bar, not play music..."
Douchy: "What is this music? Are you trying to be ironic? Is this supposed to be ironic? You fucking suck. You're the worst dj ever..."

At this point, several other people begin arguing with Douchy and a brawl nearly ensues. Douchy and his friends leave, one of whom was very cordial, I had actually talked to earlier in the night and played a couple of his requests. While this was seemingly an isolated incident, I would be called the "worst DJ ever" at this bar again about a month later, when some smelly, drunk hippie chick was upset with my choice of smelly hippie music (how can you like the Grateful Dead, but not the Doors?)

Tomorrow night, I will be manning the decks for the New Years Eve party at this very bar. It's a 70's theme, so I've gathered some of the Me-decade's greatest disco, funk and pop hits - I can only imagine how many un-ironic people it's going to piss off...

From Brooklyn to Bordentown

2007-12-26T12:17:00.000-08:00

People often ask me what it's like to be a working DJ. On the surface it sometimes seems glamorous and easy. I sit around and drink and party and play music, and get paid lots of money to do so. And sometimes I do, but this is rare.

The truth is, it's a job like any other. You're paid to act and perform like a professional. The money is (sometimes) lucrative, but gigs can be few and far between at times. Necessary job skills include being able to deal with drunk people, fixing things that go wrong (in the dark, while drunk usually), lifting heavy speakers over your head, being on your feet for seven hours straight into the wee hours of the morning, pleasing the most amount of people as much of the time as possible, and driving to exotic locations such as Mercer County, New Jersey.

Now, as the introductory series in my new blog dealy, I will detail for you a typical busy weekend in the life of DJ Milky Manchester.

Part One: Thursday night
Harvest Moon Karaoke Night - New Brunswick, NJ

About a year and a half ago, I took up residency on Thursday nights here at the Hub City's only microbrewery for Karaoke Night. Things were slow for a few months, but gradually picked up steam until we started to pack 'em in on a regular basis. I have a quality crowd of regulars who make this night exponentially more enjoyable than it would otherwise be. I also get a free bar tab, which allows me to sample the excellent variety of microbrews on a weekly basis. My usual night goes something like this:

9:00 PM: Arrive to an already packed bar still buzzing from the most extensive happy hour in town. Lug 200 pounds of equipment through bar full of drunk "young professionals", who generally don't acknowledge there is someone lugging loads of equipment through the bar, and have to be repeatedly told to MOVE.

9:40 PM: Finish setting up equipment. Do a short DJ set consisting of songs to help me mentally prepare to endure the next four hours of banshee wailing.

10:10 PM: Begin Karaoke night. I always do the first song to make sure the sound is OK from the performance area. It's still early and people generally do not appreciate my karaoke talents at this point.

11:15 PM: We're an hour deep. All of the regulars have arrived by now, and people are well on their way to getting sloshed. Most common question I'm asked: "How do you deal with the awful singing week after week?" Answer: "A Zen meditation process wherein I am able to effectively 'tune out' karaoke."

11:17 PM: The first of 146 times in the night when I'm asked, "When is my song up?"

11:22 PM: The first of 82 times in the night when someone asks if THEIR song can be up next. Common reasons why "my song should be up next" include: "I kick ass at karaoke", "I rock that song", "It's my birthday", "It's my friends birthday", "My friends are leaving", "I'm a hot blonde girl and always get my way", "I'm the best", and "These people suck".

Occasionally, someone will understand the concept of tipping, and I will move their song up in line accordingly. This rarely happens, though.

11:40 PM: Someone sings "Living on a Prayer".

11:57 PM: Someone who can actually sing is singing!

12:10 AM: Someone sings "Don't Stop Believin'".

12:22 AM: Someone sings "Sweet Caroline".

12:31 AM: Someone sings "Bohemian Rhapsody".

12:40 AM: Someone drops a glass/beer bottle on the floor near the stage, causing it to shatter. Amazingly, little to no blood has ever been shed on the floor of karaoke night.

12:52 AM: I unsuccessfully attempt to get a girl to show me her tits in exchange for moving up in line (it's never happened, although DJ Rob gets 'em all the time at the Golden Rail).

1:00 AM: The home stretch. Coming down from my slight drunken buzz (I do have to drive home), it's the longest part of the night. The energy level usually starts to wane, and I have to deal with a bunch of latecomers who demand to sing.

1:30 AM: Almost there. This is also the point in the night where I have a shot to score (since it's almost closing time. For the record: It's happened twice in 18 months. Not sure if that's a good or bad number. It looks pretty bad to me. )

1:42 AM: That's it! Get home safe. I play a recorded version of Frank Sinatra's "New York, New York" as per managements' (Dario's) request. 9 times out of 10, someone will grab a microphone and try to sing along, even though I've turned off all the microphones.

2:10 AM: I've finished loading out the gear and drive home, exhausted. I always sleep really well on Thursday nights. Sometimes I'll stop for a Fat Veggie Indian sandwich in New Brunswick, but usually the need for sleep prevails, as my Thursdays usually involve getting up at 7:30 AM and working most of the day until 3:00 AM. Thank god I have Fridays off. Kind of... (to be continued!)

It's a brand new era, but it came too late

2007-12-26T12:08:00.000-08:00

Stay tuned for stories from central New Jersey's fourth-best DJ!