 | The Worst DJ Gig Ever
Current mood:  aggravated In the world, there exist people without a soul. They're terrible, evil people. They have a bunch of soulless, asshole friends. They listen to terrible, emotionless, soulless music. These people have birthday parties, and they hired me to DJ at one. The problem is, I don't hang out with soulless people, so I really don't have any idea what their musical interests are. But I must have something they enjoy... right? Believe me when I tell you, I played EVERY POSSIBLE STYLE OF MUSIC I OWN. But this did not appease them. They need soulless people music. People without souls do NOT listen to any of the following:
motown, 60's R&B, jerry lee lewis, the beatles, disco, funk, the talking heads, new wave, 80's hits, 90's hits, anything on the tommy boy label circa 1990-1993, west coast rap, east coast rap, "i believe in a thing called love", willie nelson, daft punk, or motley crue.
oh, they enjoyed "SexyBack" and "Sweet Caroline". Who doesn't? And then someone gave me a "Bon Jovi Live 2006" and the "new" Buckcherry albums to play (since I was doing such a bad job at entertaining these people). Honestly, I didn't even know that Buckcherry still existed. I remember laughing at a minor hit song they had in like 1998 called "Lit Up". Apparently, they had a new, even more laughable song that is a huge hit with the Jersey Trash crowd called "Crazy Bitch". At some point, I was bombarded by requests for this song. Imagine being trapped in a room with 50 people, none of whom had a soul, and trying to play music for them. But you don't have any of the music they want to hear.
Why? The person running the party NEVER TOLD YOU WHAT MUSIC TO PLAY! On the phone call before this surprise birthday gig, the conversation with the girl organizing it for her boyfriend went something like this:
Me: "What bands does he like? any particular songs?"
Dumb Skank: "oh, he likes everything."
Me: "yeah, just give me a few bands so I have an idea..."
Dumb Skank: "well, I dont know, he listens to everything."
Me: "Any particular songs you want to hear? Does he have a favorite song?"
Dumb Skank: "What do you have?"
Me: "Well, I can get anything, just let me know what you guys listen to..."
Dumb Skank: "Nothing in particular..."
Nothing in particular. OK, maybe these people really like anything.... Duh, of course they don't!
Fast forward to the worst dj gig I ever had. I was even HECKLED ("play that funky music white boy!" "what the hell is this guy playing?"). No one would even request anything! Finally, there was a classic moment about two hours into it, where someone came up and asked me to play some "Metallica or Maiden!! Get this place rockin'!" Metallica or Maiden??? At a party with like, old people and stuff? Literally, seconds later, someone asked for Neil Diamond. Neil Diamond? Iron Maiden?? Where am I???! I've been Dj'ing for almost four years, specializing in dance parties, and I can never remember the sense of horror I had this night, with just a complete lack of sense of what these people wanted to hear. You know how sometimes Eli Manning looks totally and completely lost on the football field? I can now completely relate.
Then tonight, my boss forwards me this email from the girl who organized the party:
> From: "Janice Sxxxx"
> To: rob7pxxxxx@yahoo.com
> Subject: Surprise Party!
> Date: Sun, 26 Nov 2006 14:49:36 -0700
>
>
>
> Hey Rob,
> Hi how are you? I'm a little upset about the
> party last night. I
> should of had a party list but, when I called Erik
> he said he had
> everything. So you know you are at a 30th Birthday
> and first my boyfriend
> walks into happy birthday sweet sixteen. He is a
> man not a teenage girl.
> For a party you normally play cha cha slide the
> electric slide, he played no
> party music. I had to go up to him tell him to play
> something more upbeat
> my guests were falling asleep. Then one of guests
> went up to him to tell him
> he was 30 not 60. The most disappointing what DJ
> don't speak. For futher
> hires so people don't have a horrible time like my
> guests did please inform
> them that the DJ's you are giving to them don't
> talk. That's why I hired a
> DJ so he could get people moving on the dance floor
> have fun not just sit
> there and be bored. I'm sorry if this is rude, but
> he was awful. My mom
> has friends at work that were going to get married
> and I told him that he
> could of at least tried, but no he didn't. I really
> wish I didn't pay him
> lst night. I just hope for further peoples parties
> that he does you inform
> them that he does not talk on the microphone.
>
> Janice Sxxxx
For the record: - The music they were "falling asleep to"? MOTOWN. FUCKING MOTOWN. If Motown doesn't make you move, you OBVIOUSLY HAVE NO SOUL. If Motown makes you fall asleep, you just might be related to Satan directly. And yeah, you're gonna tell me you've never heard the Jackson 5 at a fucking wedding? I can only imagine the poor sap who had to DJ that one.
- Not once did anyone request the Cha Cha Slide or the Electric Slide. I'm fairly positive no one would've danced to it anyway.
- And "Janice" did eventually request some music. CLUB MUSIC. "Do you have any club type music?" Which I did actually play. Daft Punk's "Around the World". A genuine dance-party ringer. No one danced.
- I personally think playing "Happy Birthday Sweet Sixteen" for anyone over the age of 25 on their birthday is hi-larious. But then again, I'm pretty sure I have a soul and a sense of humor. What's even more funny is that this was emasculating to him, and she took personal offense.
- She notes: "I wish I didn't pay him". She didn't. She went so far as to write me a check, then put a stop payment on the check.
- And this "talking on the microphone" business. If only she knew that I also do a radio show, I could've just done my radio DJ schtick the whole time!!! Now that would've been fun... "All right! A little Iron Maiden right there with 'Run to the Hills' off the 'Number of the Beast' LP from 1982! That's goin' out to Bob at the table in the back over there... good rockin' Bob! Right now in Old Bridge, it's Eleven fifteen in the P M, 43 degrees and cloudy... Comin' up next, a little two-fer Saturday with Neil Diamond!"
This isn't a fucking bar-mitzvah. All DJ's don't stand up there and try and get a bunch of drowsy 60 year-old parents and apathetic 30 year-olds to dance to Iron Maiden and the Cha Cha Slide. We play the music you ask us to play.
Now, I feel terrible that these people had a bad time. Never before have I felt so bad about my abilities as a dj. But communication is something I've been working at making myself better at for some time now. I'll take this as a learning experience on several levels. I can't relate/type out all that I've learned, but take this little bit of knowledge and wisdom I learned the hard way:
If you're paying someone lots of money to play music for you,
TELL THEM WHAT YOU WANT TO FUCKING HEAR!
Here's the kicker:
The theme of the party? "Party Like a Rockstar". They had balloons and banners with that printed on them, they even had shirts printed up for all the guests that said "I partied like a rockstar at Jxxxx's 30th birthday". If there's a bright center in the universe of rock stars, these people are on the planet furthest from.
|
1 comment:
I totally remember that whore of a bitch! She sucked, but at least the email brought us some comedy. Rock on willy. Cant wait for Merv's!
Post a Comment