Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Big Sunglasses: Follow-up

Dear Milky,

I have big sunglasses but I am a guy. They are not big big, but they are pretty big. Am I a d-bag? If it helps you decide, I am 5'11" and have a medium to ugly face and somewhat tan skin.

~Grad Student in Piscataway

Dear Grad Student,

Great question. I realized after that post that I spent a lot of time hating on the ladies and giving ZZ Top lots of props (not that they don't deserve it). And today, I happened to walk past a dude wearing rather large frames. And yes, he did look like a major douchenozzle. Here's the problem: You want to look fabulous (who doesn't?), but right now, large frames are a cop-out. You're saying to the rest of the world, "I think I look fab, but really I'm just a mindless idiot". It's not to say you can't pull it off. For instance, if you are into glam rock, or are a musician in a glam-rock band, or generally endorse the glam-rock lifestyle of cocaine, tastefully gaudy clothing, bi-sexuality, sleazy riffs copped from T.Rex and drum beats copped from Gary Glitter, then you can probably pull it off, as it is almost expected of you:



Ian Hunter of Mott the Hoople

But chances are, you are not an actual rocker. Even if you play an instrument in a band, your band probably sucks. Subtract more points if your band is not signed to a record label, and even more if the extent of your "tour schedule" is limited to the tri-state area. So for you, big sunglasses are out.

Getting more to the point: sunglasses make everyone infinitely cooler. Unless you wear sunglasses that make you look like a clown. You don't need them. Simplicity will always win. Stop wearing big stupid sunglasses, and you will be just fine. That is all.

Monday, May 19, 2008

My Nipples

Now for a slightly revealing, if a bit unnerving, factoid about yours truly.

I have very perky nipples. Very hard. It's one of the few things I'm overly self-conscious of. And they make their presence well-known through lesser t-shirts. I do my best to hide them at all times. If not, it always appears as if I have just walked out of a meat locker. Recently, I stumbled upon these:

"Nipple concealer adhesives". Yes, it's geared for the ladies, but definitely something I can make use of. God bless America.

Link: Commando Nipple Concealer Adhesives

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Kars 4 [Jewish] Kids

This "Kars 4 Kids" charity has bothered me for a long time. It just seemed too generic. Like it was a front for something. Their stupid ad is all over the radio, every day. What charity can afford to constantly advertise on radio and highway billboards? And the billboards have pictures of cute little kids.... like "Awww... donate your old car, save the children!"

So today, after hearing that stupid "1-877 kars for kids" jingle for the billionth time, I decided to do a little digging. It took all of 2 minutes of Google searching to discover this charity funnels the proceeds from the scrapped autos to a group promoting orthodox Jewish education with flights to Israel and Jewish summer camp:

[[ In 2005, $2.8 million of JOY’s $3.1 million total program services expenses went to an organization called Oorah, according to JOY’s 501 (c)3 tax form for 2005.

Oorah’s goal, according to its Web site, is to awaken Jewish children and their families to their heritage, by sending them to Jewish day schools, or yeshivos, or even helping pay for their airfare to, or education in, Israel.

“While the children learn and grow, we bring adult education opportunities to the parents, as well as all the ritual objects and support they need to live a full Jewish life,” the organization reports. ]]

It's not that I have a problem with orthodox Jews. But I do have a huge problem with deceptive advertising like this. It's almost as bad as big sunglasses (almost).

Here's the full story: Charity News Stories - Scams

Youtube: WPIX Fact Finders

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Big Sunglasses: Are we done yet?

It's fashion week over here in Piscataway blog central. Or rather, hate-on fashion week. I don't purport to know much about fashion. You've probably seen the way I dress, it's nothing special. I'm a big fan of clearance racks, Target, black t-shirts, and Dickies. I'm also a big fan of being pissed-off by stupid fashion trends. Today's stupid fashion trend: big sunglasses.

Big sunglasses have been en vogue for a few years now. Wearing them is most commonly referred to as "The Jackie O Look":

(For the record, Jackie O copped this look from French actress Anouk Aimee):

For whatever reason, celebrity party girls, who may or may not actually know who "Jackie O" is, went apeshit for big sunglasses:

The problem with wearing big sunglasses is, you look like an asshole.

Now, girls who wear these probably don't think they look like assholes. They probably think they look "cute", or perhaps "fashionable", because they are simply falling in with the current trend of ditzy celebrity girls who are trying to hide their unkempt face from photographers. I'm sure there were five or six minutes there in 2005 when most people would regard this trend as "cute". Then it just became annoying.

Now, if you have real friends, I'm talking about the kinds of friends that would help you move dead bodies or tell you that you have food stuck in your teeth, they will/should tell you that you look like a royal fuckwad when wearing those sunglasses. And if they were true, 100% BFF's, they would also promptly remove them from your face and smash them on the ground into a million pieces. Unless your friend also thinks big sunglasses are cool, then you are SOL, and doomed to a lifetime of looking like a total douchebag.

"Oh Milky. You're such a hater. What kind of sunglasses SHOULD I wear?" I'm glad you asked! First off, you should immediately put on the song "Cheap Sunglasses" by ZZ Top. Partly because it's a sweet slice of 70's Texas funk-boogie, but also because it will inspire you to find a pair of quality, cheap, badass-looking sunglasses.

The key is to find sunglasses that fit your personality. Now, there are only so many styles of sunglasses, so it's pretty easy to narrow down. Why most girls would want to portray the personality of "vapid, egomaniacal, drunken celebrity party girl diva" by wearing oversized sunglasses is beyond me. There you see a picture of the aforementioned ZZ Top. The Top pretty much wear sunglasses 24 hours a day. There are almost no photographs of them NOT wearing sunglasses. Here, 2 of the three members went with the classic Ray-Ban Wayfarers, and Dusty Hill (left) is sporting a classic 60's square top. Both are timeless looks, and are definitively "rock and roll". Couple that with the legendary beards and the legendary riffs, and you have some bad-ass motherfuckers. Now, you don't have to grow a massive beard or write a song as good as "La Grange" to wear sunglasses and look cool. Part of the enjoyment of wearing sunglasses is the kind of instant, carefree "cool factor" they provide (in addition to shielding your eyes from harmful ultraviolet radiation). Ladies, it's unnecessary to think "the bigger the sunglasses, the better". A sophisticated, yet understated pair of shades will go a lot further than this in-your-face aesthetic of oversized nonsense. True, the slightly oversize Aviator sunglasses are also bad-ass, but it's a very tough look to pull off. You must be a pilot, a California Highway Patrol officer, Tom Cruise circa '86, or a rock musician who's music does not suck to wear them.





I could go on forever, but choosing a decent pair of sunglasses is really pretty easy. Just don't buy any that cover half your face or make you look like a complete fucktard. Keep it simple. Go for classic looks. Make sure the glass is dark, the frame is sturdy, and the world will be a better place for all of us.

Special thanks to the Cute Girls in Stupid Sunglasses blog.