Big Sunglasses: Are we done yet?

It's fashion week over here in Piscataway blog central. Or rather, hate-on fashion week. I don't purport to know much about fashion. You've probably seen the way I dress, it's nothing special. I'm a big fan of clearance racks, Target, black t-shirts, and Dickies. I'm also a big fan of being pissed-off by stupid fashion trends. Today's stupid fashion trend: big sunglasses.

Big sunglasses have been en vogue for a few years now. Wearing them is most commonly referred to as "The Jackie O Look":

(For the record, Jackie O copped this look from French actress Anouk Aimee):

For whatever reason, celebrity party girls, who may or may not actually know who "Jackie O" is, went apeshit for big sunglasses:



The problem with wearing big sunglasses is, you look like an asshole.

Now, girls who wear these probably don't think they look like assholes. They probably think they look "cute", or perhaps "fashionable", because they are simply falling in with the current trend of ditzy celebrity girls who are trying to hide their unkempt face from photographers. I'm sure there were five or six minutes there in 2005 when most people would regard this trend as "cute". Then it just became annoying.

Now, if you have real friends, I'm talking about the kinds of friends that would help you move dead bodies or tell you that you have food stuck in your teeth, they will/should tell you that you look like a royal fuckwad when wearing those sunglasses. And if they were true, 100% BFF's, they would also promptly remove them from your face and smash them on the ground into a million pieces. Unless your friend also thinks big sunglasses are cool, then you are SOL, and doomed to a lifetime of looking like a total douchebag.

"Oh Milky. You're such a hater. What kind of sunglasses SHOULD I wear?" I'm glad you asked! First off, you should immediately put on the song "Cheap Sunglasses" by ZZ Top. Partly because it's a sweet slice of 70's Texas funk-boogie, but also because it will inspire you to find a pair of quality, cheap, badass-looking sunglasses.

The key is to find sunglasses that fit your personality. Now, there are only so many styles of sunglasses, so it's pretty easy to narrow down. Why most girls would want to portray the personality of "vapid, egomaniacal, drunken celebrity party girl diva" by wearing oversized sunglasses is beyond me. There you see a picture of the aforementioned ZZ Top. The Top pretty much wear sunglasses 24 hours a day. There are almost no photographs of them NOT wearing sunglasses. Here, 2 of the three members went with the classic Ray-Ban Wayfarers, and Dusty Hill (left) is sporting a classic 60's square top. Both are timeless looks, and are definitively "rock and roll". Couple that with the legendary beards and the legendary riffs, and you have some bad-ass motherfuckers. Now, you don't have to grow a massive beard or write a song as good as "La Grange" to wear sunglasses and look cool. Part of the enjoyment of wearing sunglasses is the kind of instant, carefree "cool factor" they provide (in addition to shielding your eyes from harmful ultraviolet radiation). Ladies, it's unnecessary to think "the bigger the sunglasses, the better". A sophisticated, yet understated pair of shades will go a lot further than this in-your-face aesthetic of oversized nonsense. True, the slightly oversize Aviator sunglasses are also bad-ass, but it's a very tough look to pull off. You must be a pilot, a California Highway Patrol officer, Tom Cruise circa '86, or a rock musician who's music does not suck to wear them.

Yes

No

Yes

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I could go on forever, but choosing a decent pair of sunglasses is really pretty easy. Just don't buy any that cover half your face or make you look like a complete fucktard. Keep it simple. Go for classic looks. Make sure the glass is dark, the frame is sturdy, and the world will be a better place for all of us.

Special thanks to the Cute Girls in Stupid Sunglasses blog.