Thursday, December 31, 2009

swEEt jAmZ from the '00s

A quick flip through the old itunes library reveals this to be one of my favorite tracks from the last decade. The year was 2004... I was living in the Brunz with the Reverend, working in the warehouse at Guitar Center store #822. Grohl was at the top of his game, Foo Fighters had a ton of hits, and he had just cut one of my favorite albums of the decade with Queens of the Stone Age (Songs for the Deaf) a couple years prior. The Probot album was him playing drums with all these old skool metal dudez, some I had heard of, but others not. It's a great primer on some of the legends of the genre, and probably the fifth greatest thing he has ever done (behind Songs for the Deaf, the 2 Nirvana albums, and the cover of Stairway to Heaven on the Craig Kilborne Show in 2005):

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Product protests of 2009

I stopped using Gillette products this year because they are endorsed by two tremendous douchebags:

1) Derek Jeter
2) Tiger Woods

Ok, neither of those guys are really douchebags (though perspectives vary widely). But I do hate the Yankees, and Tiger Woods with the whole etc. etc. Also, the owner of the company is also the owner of the motherf'n New England Patriots. Those f'ers always win. They don't need my money, either. You shave, the Patriots win. Did you ever think about that, Jets fans? How does it feel paying a part of Randy Moss' and Tom Bradys' contract?

Alright, I admit, my usage of Gillette products actually had nothing to do with their choice of product pitchmen. Rather, it was the tremendous cost of using their products, specifically, the famous Mach 3 razor blade. With it's 800% mark-up over cost, most dudes understand the wallet pain these little buggers inflict. Which is high-time I went OLD SKOOL

Ok, maybe not that old school... although a single-blade barbershop shave is pretty smooth. But actually one of these:

A Merkur single-blade safety razor. Yeah, you don't actually need three blades to get a close shave. And the replacement blades cost as little as 25 CENTS.

In times like these, it seems a bit silly to fork over $4 for a frickin' razor blade to Robert Kraft and help support the New England Patriots football dynasty. Instead, head over to the Art of Manliness blog and learn how to shave like your grandpa did.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Worst of the blah blah blah

So many "best of/worst of" lists littering the internet these past few weeks have been re-kindling my love/hate for various albums, movies, and the like. Unfortunately, this includes what I consider to be one of the worst travesties of music ever perpetuated upon people who listen to music: Kid Rock's "All Summer Long". Why so much hate for such a simple little summertime ditty, Milky?

1. There's already a classic song titled "All Summer Long".
And one of my top 5 summer songs of all time. Must Kid Rock ruin everything?

2. It's the most unoriginal "original" song I've ever heard.
Let's see, take the hook of one highly recognizable classic rock anthem from the '70's for the verse, and lift the hook of another for the chorus. WOW! FUCKING BRILLIANT. Two more classic songs, ruined. But wait Kid, surely you've got some sort of Morrison-esque prose you can hit us with to save it:

"We didn't have no internet / but man I will never forget / the way the moonlight shined upon her hair"


3. What was really happening in 1989.

Much of the song is dedicated to repeating the fact that Kid Rock spent most of the summer of 1989 singing Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Sweet Home Alabama". The rest of it deals briefly with a story of a cliche summer romance, and assuring us that he was drinking heavily and smoking "different things", most likely marijuana. While the latter fact may be true, in fact, Kid Rock spent the year 1989 rapping. Despite his image makeover in recent years, it's no secret that Kid Rock cut his teeth in the music business by attempting to gain fame as a hip-hop performer.
A quick glance at his Wikipedia entry indicates he was on tour with the "Straight from the Underground" Tour in 1989, opening for Ice Cube and Too Short, among others. Additionally, it's highly doubtful that the rest of Kid Rock's social circle were constantly singing classic rock tunes from 15 years prior. Hair metal was peaking, and artists like Paula Abdul and Milli Vanilli were ruling the charts. To make the fraud complete, he shot the video in Nashville, Tennessee, despite penchant for constantly referencing his home state of Michigan. Gee Kid, dontcha think Michigan could use some of your business these days?

Of course, the song was a global smash. I was practically required to play it at every party I DJ'd that summer. As vapid, boring, and derivative as the song is, the fact that this song was a hit and that people somehow gleaned some sort of enjoyment out of it causes me great pain every time I hear it.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Down the Shore

Dear People I Know Who Watch MTV's "Jersey Shore",

We've probably been friends (or at the very least, friendly acquaintances) for a while, and more than likely grew up in New Jersey together. Which makes this somewhat disturbing.

I realize you like trashy television. While I personally do not bother to watch much reality-themed television, I am aware that much of the most-watched prime-time television programming is "reality"-based. However, "Jersey Shore" seemed like something you wouldn't want to bother wasting your valuable available television-watching hours (or TiVo hard drive space) on for any number of reasons:

- Don't encourage them.
I know I'm shouting from an ivory tower and no one is really listening, but this is really scraping the barrel here. There's lowbrow television, and then there's this. This really seems like a new low, from the word "guido" being tossed around in promos to the whole guy-punching-girl thing, I find something deeply unsettling about this program.

- State pride.
We spend so much time and energy defending New Jersey from attacks by the rest of the country, and along comes this dumbass show to perpetuate another round of lame jokes, and here you are, WATCHING IT.

- State culture.
While you could make a weak case that the Sopranos was also offensive to Italian-Americans, you could not argue that it was one of the greatest television shows of the decade. Brilliantly written, acted, and performed, it is in rare company among the all-time greats. And it was filmed entirely in New Jersey. And then there's "The Boss". Bruce has been touring relentlessly over the last several years, and churning out a couple of great albums in the process. His music, inspired by his life and times in the Garden State, is loved and adored the world over. And there's even Frank Sinatra, Bon Jovi, etc. etc. ... any number of great performers of stage and screen who hail from or made their name in the Garden State of whom to be proud of. Somehow I don't think "Snooki" will ever be one of them.

- You know these people.
At least, you know OF them. We've all been to the shore. You make every effort to stay away from them. You've probably even had a good laugh at their expense already - all the while feeling relieved whenever you can escape their presence. The exterior appearance they spend so much time perfecting in the mirror because they're a bunch of narcissit goons tell you all you need to know about what's on the interior: They're a bunch of obnoxious jerks. You already know this, and now you want to watch hours and hours of this behavior? Are you also counting down the days until you can hit up Seaside and go clubbing at Bamboo?

- Grow up.
You're too old to be watching this. MTV's target demographic is well below your age. When you talk about it, or quote it on Facebook, you look like a damn fool. This is for kids who don't know any better, and will look back in a few years and wonder why they ever watched such garbage.

- You're glorifying a cultural divide.
I might be screaming from my soapbox, but if you watch this and enjoy it, you're finding a sick pleasure in laughing at these fools because of their outlandish behavior/fashion/lifestyle and not because you admire them for their wit and sophistication. Again, I'm pretty sure if I know you, you don't hang out with these types of folk. Maybe you like it because you can look down on them and laugh at them and feel better about yourself? Is that any reason to watch a television show?

Yeah, I get it, it's "trainwreck" television and that's why you watch it. There is also plenty of trainwreck television to go around that doesn't give the great state of New Jersey a bad name. Do yourself and all of us a favor: even if you do watch it, don't tell anyone you do. If anyone asks, tell them that no, you don't watch it, and end any sort of embarrassing discussion on the subject by explaining to that person that like any other state, yes, New Jersey has it's faults, and despite the stereotypes played out on television, it is also a source of great cultural and geographic beauty. And if you can't name more than two songs off of "Born to Run" or "Greetings from Asbury Park", that conversation should be irrelevant to begin with.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Karaoke Setlist

I've always wondered what a karaoke night setlist would look like if I typed it out. So here goes, a recent setlist from the Harvest Moon karaoke night. See if you can spot a trend:

U2 - Where the Streets Have No Name
Lady Gaga - Poker Face
Monkees - Daydream Believer
Patty Loveless - I Think About Elvis
Queen - Crazy Little Thing Called Love
Elvis Presley - Suspicious Minds
Three Doors Down - Here Without You
Naked Eyes - Always Something There To Remind Me
Led Zeppelin - Whole Lotta Love
Something Corporate - If You C Jordan
Rascals - Good Lovin'
Commodores - Easy
Alanis Morrissette - Hand In My Pocket
Jeffrey Osborne - On the Wings of Love
Hives - Hate to Say I Told You So
Cake - Short Skirt, Long Jacket
Beatles - She Loves You
ELO - Don't Bring Me Down
Seven Mary Three - Cumbersome
Guns N' Roses - Welcome to the Jungle
Weezer - Say It Ain't So
Hall & Oates - Private Eyes
Kid Rock - Picture
Elton John - Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me
The Darkness - I Believe In a Thing Called Love
Cat Stevens - Wild World
Santana - Black Magic Woman
Carrie Underwood - Before He Cheats
John Cougar Mellencamp - Pink Houses
Bruce Springsteen - Thunder Road
Radiohead - Creep
Michael Jackson - Thriller
Lee Greenwood - God Bless the USA
Journey - Don't Stop Believing
Bloodhound Gang - Bad Touch
B-52s - Love Shack
Cake - The Distance
Aerosmith - Angel
Blues Traveller - Hook
The Doors - LA Woman

Damned if I could find any sort of trend or pattern there, other than it seems to be a complete and totally random assortment of music. Let me know if you see anything.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Common Karaoke Slips #1

People hand me these sign-up slips with their names and songs they want to sing on them, but from my eyes, this is all I usually see...

[slips by Ninja Don]

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Product Endorsement #1

Reeses Puffs

A very versatile product: breakfast cereal, snack, or dessert confection. Mostly, I use it as a snack when I am craving peanut butter and/or chocolate. Reeses really hit it out of the park with this one - it has a perfect balance of choc and PB, just like a Cup. R&D people! And I'm not going to call it "healthy", but certainly a few handfuls of Reeses Puffs will do far less damage than a single Reeses Cup or a pack of Reeses Pieces. Add it to the list of things that sometimes make me wish I still smoked pot, along with the Pink Floyd album "Obscured By Clouds", Pineapple Express, and any episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

Milky at the Movies

So, I saw "The Hangover" on the first Friday it was in the theaters a few weeks ago. Make no mistake: It is, without a doubt, the funniest movie in ten years - easily.

So I've been waiting for all the like-minded reviews to come in from my friends, but about 62% of them have been, "I didn't think it was that funny" or "It was so-so, it didn't live up to the hype".

Conclusion: 62% of my friends are idiots.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Songs I Ripped Off

Currently, the only four chords I know on guitar are as follows:

C - D - G - Em

In my minimal attempts to learn guitar over the years, these are the only chords that have stuck with me. They're easy to play, and they sound good together. You can mix those up pretty much any way and write a simple pop song.

Recently, I was perusing some guitar tabs online, even though I can't really play guitar (I look for easy stuff). I came across the tab for Coldplay's "Viva La Vida", their recent smash-hit that has been the subject of recent lawsuits by overrated guitarists (Joe Satriani) and a has-been looking for newfound credibility (Cat Stevens, aka Yusef Islam), as well as thousands of dumbass ditto-heads that cry "did you hear about how Coldplay ripped off so-and-so? It's so obvious..."

What's funny is that I don't even like Coldplay, yet I can't help but have to constantly come to their defense on this. If the song wasn't a smash hit, you wouldn't have heard anything about this - all Joe Satriani and Cat Stevens are looking for is a cut of the big money pie that is "Viva La Vida", without having to do anything except claim to have written a passing resemblence to the melody many years ago . There are only a finite amount of melodies and chord combinations that sound good together in pop music - such as C D G Em, which is the chord progression of "Viva La Vida" (with a capo on the first fret) - which are the only chords I know.
Where's my cut?

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Only in dreams

Last night I dreamt I was an A-Wing pilot. A-Wings are nifty, but I definitely prefer the B-Wing or the Y-Wing. A video search on YouTube for things A-Wing related turned up a startling (scary) amount of Star Wars nerdery, so I'll just leave you with this classic bit of Star Wars in which the A-Wing is featured...

Monday, March 16, 2009

Drunk ppl r funney #2

Drunk British Dude I Thought Was Angry But Actually Just Likes Crappy Early 90s Dance Music (As Do I): 'allo mate... you played a song before, it had a clip of this other great song... you know, it's got that cheesy early 90s piano sound (oh how I love that sound -milky). Man, that was great. You got any more of that? I think they're called Black Box?


Oh, more Black Box, please? YES

Drunk ppl r funney #1

Horny Business Dude Trying to Score with Much Younger Girl: DUDE! You gotta play that song for that girl. "Summer Loving". I don't even know her name. I think she just signed up. Actually, can you tell me her name? DUDE! WE'RE ALL GONNA SCORE IF YOU PLAY THAT SONG! YOU WANT TO GET LAID, DON'T YOU! WE'RE ALL GONNA GET LAID!!!!!!!! YEAH!

Later on, he slipped me $20 to play that chick's song next. I hope he scored.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Wait For It #1

The following exchange takes place at the end of EVERY karaoke night (right after the lights go up and I've announced that "THIS IS THE LAST SONG"):

Random drunken fool: "I'm just wondering when my song is going to be up?"
Me: "Sorry, this is the last song of the night."
RDF: "So, there's no way I can sing my song tonight?"
Me: "Sorry, this is the last song of the night."
RDF: "Can I go next?"
Me: "Sorry, this is the last song of the night."
RDF: "Can you squeeze in one last song?"
Me: "Sorry, this is the last song of the night."
RDF: "There's no way you can fit me in?"

At this point, I retrieve my axe and the individual is decapitated. Thanks for coming out tonight! See you next Thursday!

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

List of stupid things people have said whilst I DJ - #4

Date: Last Friday night
Location: Kings County, NY - my usual spot

A girl had requested to hear Wham's "Careless Whisper". Yes, it's a little corny, but it's still a great song, and since girls always get their request (see Milky Manchester's DJ Customer Relations Handbook, page 1: happy girls = happy bar), and it was during 80's hour (anytime after 1:00 AM), so naturally, request granted. Then this ODFFDDS walks up.

Overdressed Fuckface Douchebag Dick Sucker: Ummm... are you gonna play something new? This song is kind of lame.
Me: Yeah, I've played lots of "new" stuff tonight. This was by request.
Overdressed Fuckface Douchebag Dick Sucker: That doesn't mean you have to play it. Show some judgement.

Then he immediately turns and walks away - lucky for him, because for a split second, I honestly thought about popping him square in the nose. The smugness of his delivery was overwhelming. I shouldn't let people like this get to me, but I think the Lord would forgive my actions because that guy was seriously just looking to push the WRONG button. ARGH I'm getting mad just thinking about this &*$#@!$ a-hole again!

Monday, January 12, 2009

Quit Acting Like a Drunken Fool and Respect the DJ ("Don't Be THAT Guy") - Tip #1

Being a karaoke DJ (or "KJ"... god that sounds lame) sometimes requires much patience. This is generally true at the very tail end of the evening. The DJ is 99.9% of the time going to be far less inebriated than those who have made it to the point of the evening where the (ugly) lights have been turned on and you have been told to go home. We've all been there... you're super hammered, but not sickeningly so... you just don't want the good time to end, you're grasping at the last remnants of your good time, afraid that any change in scenery will no doubt wreck your flow.

But don't be this guy. The guy who demands, "DUDE! I gotta sing one more song!!!"

"C'mon man, just one more song, it'll be awesome. C'mon bro. It'll rock, I'm serious. Let's do it. C'mon. Are you for real? Just one more. C'mon. The manager said it was cool. Please, just one more. C'mon dude."

Dude. GIVE IT UP. The night is over. You're obviously not getting laid, and you're shitcanned. This isn't going to be some sort of mind-blowing, transcendent performance that's going to make me re-evaluate the nature of my existence. I want to go home. The bartenders and staff want to go home. IT'S OVER. How many times do I have to tell you "no"? Why do you feel compelled to insist that I stroke your ego so you can perform "American Pie" to the eight people left in the bar? That shit is SEVEN MINUTES LONG. At 2am, slightly buzzed and exhausted, that will feel like another four hours of being subjected to your banshee wailing. I will, however, make one exception.

I will let you sing one more song, if I can come to your job and demand that YOU work unpaid overtime!