Down the Shore

Dear People I Know Who Watch MTV's "Jersey Shore",

We've probably been friends (or at the very least, friendly acquaintances) for a while, and more than likely grew up in New Jersey together. Which makes this somewhat disturbing.

I realize you like trashy television. While I personally do not bother to watch much reality-themed television, I am aware that much of the most-watched prime-time television programming is "reality"-based. However, "Jersey Shore" seemed like something you wouldn't want to bother wasting your valuable available television-watching hours (or TiVo hard drive space) on for any number of reasons:

- Don't encourage them.
I know I'm shouting from an ivory tower and no one is really listening, but this is really scraping the barrel here. There's lowbrow television, and then there's this. This really seems like a new low, from the word "guido" being tossed around in promos to the whole guy-punching-girl thing, I find something deeply unsettling about this program.

- State pride.
We spend so much time and energy defending New Jersey from attacks by the rest of the country, and along comes this dumbass show to perpetuate another round of lame jokes, and here you are, WATCHING IT.

- State culture.
While you could make a weak case that the Sopranos was also offensive to Italian-Americans, you could not argue that it was one of the greatest television shows of the decade. Brilliantly written, acted, and performed, it is in rare company among the all-time greats. And it was filmed entirely in New Jersey. And then there's "The Boss". Bruce has been touring relentlessly over the last several years, and churning out a couple of great albums in the process. His music, inspired by his life and times in the Garden State, is loved and adored the world over. And there's even Frank Sinatra, Bon Jovi, etc. etc. ... any number of great performers of stage and screen who hail from or made their name in the Garden State of whom to be proud of. Somehow I don't think "Snooki" will ever be one of them.

- You know these people.
At least, you know OF them. We've all been to the shore. You make every effort to stay away from them. You've probably even had a good laugh at their expense already - all the while feeling relieved whenever you can escape their presence. The exterior appearance they spend so much time perfecting in the mirror because they're a bunch of narcissit goons tell you all you need to know about what's on the interior: They're a bunch of obnoxious jerks. You already know this, and now you want to watch hours and hours of this behavior? Are you also counting down the days until you can hit up Seaside and go clubbing at Bamboo?

- Grow up.
You're too old to be watching this. MTV's target demographic is well below your age. When you talk about it, or quote it on Facebook, you look like a damn fool. This is for kids who don't know any better, and will look back in a few years and wonder why they ever watched such garbage.

- You're glorifying a cultural divide.
I might be screaming from my soapbox, but if you watch this and enjoy it, you're finding a sick pleasure in laughing at these fools because of their outlandish behavior/fashion/lifestyle and not because you admire them for their wit and sophistication. Again, I'm pretty sure if I know you, you don't hang out with these types of folk. Maybe you like it because you can look down on them and laugh at them and feel better about yourself? Is that any reason to watch a television show?

Yeah, I get it, it's "trainwreck" television and that's why you watch it. There is also plenty of trainwreck television to go around that doesn't give the great state of New Jersey a bad name. Do yourself and all of us a favor: even if you do watch it, don't tell anyone you do. If anyone asks, tell them that no, you don't watch it, and end any sort of embarrassing discussion on the subject by explaining to that person that like any other state, yes, New Jersey has it's faults, and despite the stereotypes played out on television, it is also a source of great cultural and geographic beauty. And if you can't name more than two songs off of "Born to Run" or "Greetings from Asbury Park", that conversation should be irrelevant to begin with.