Wednesday, March 19, 2008

From the Archives, Volume III

Monday, April 10, 2006


Today I wrote two letters of complaint to corporate offices. Most likely, they will go unread by anyone of importance, but it's been some time since I've felt so wronged as a consumer.

Today I ventured to the "A&W All American Food" franchise in Edison for some cheese curds and a root beer float. As a child, I have fond memories of stopping at an A&W stand in colorado on road trips to my grandparents house. I had yet to visit this particular A&W location, but it was with great anticipation that we ventured down Route 1 to partake in glorious root beer-related goodness. I left feeling more than a bit cheated, even violated.
Several things infuriated me as a consumer:

-They did not have any cheese curds. This item is currently featured prominently on their website, as well as with in-store signage. And if you've ever had cheese curds, you can imagine my disappointment.

-They did not have the ability to make a root beer float. "The float machine is broken". This is a fucking root beer stand!!!! I mean, ice cream + root beer = hydrogen + 2 oxygen!! FUCK!!!!!

-I asked for a chili cheese dog and got a double cheeseburger instead.

-The root beer that was on tap at their soda fountain WAS FLAT!! THIS IS A GOD DAMN MOTHERFUCKING ROOT BEER STAND! FUCK FUCK!!!!!!
(entertaining side note: on the dispenser for the diet A&W was a handwritten note that "taste before filling cup"... uhhhh...)

-We waited a solid 15 minutes for "fast food"...

-There was one guy making the food

-The cashiers drug dealer walked in and handed him a sealed cigar which he inspected for several minutes instead of helping his cook

-The bathroom smelled like death

-There were no readily available napkins

Did I mention that there were no root beer floats and the root beer was flat at a FUCKING ROOT BEER STAND?

anyway, onto consumer complaint ..2

I, being a music video junkie, regularly tune into the MTV2 program "Subterranean" on sunday nights at midnight, being that it's the last vestage of cutting-edge music-related programming on the channel (or on television for that matter). Sunday at midnight was also the former time slot for the much-revered "120 Minutes" program on MTV, god rest it's soul.
Recently, MTV2 has been running repeats of "Viva La Bam" for the 14556045000000th time in it's place, and pushing SUbterranean back to 3 AM, because apparently there is some stipulation that at least 50% of the programming on the channel has to involve Bam Margera (god im sick of that asshole).
Are ratings on sunday night at midnight really that important? isn't it ok to have just one somewhat progressive music-related program air at a decent hour?

why can't I relax on a sunday???! fucking corporate machine!

Monday, March 17, 2008

Dick Cheney: "Phenomenal"

One more reason you need to strike this word from your lexicon. From today's New York Times:

BAGHDAD — A female suicide bomber penetrated one of the most secure perimeters in Iraq Monday evening and killed at least 42 people near the Imam Hussein shrine in the Shiite holy city of Karbala, according to the Iraqi authorities.

The explosion, the deadliest attack in Karbala in nearly a year, overshadowed a Baghdad visit by Vice President Dick Cheney, who met with Iraqi and American leaders and extolled what he described as “phenomenal” security improvements in the country.

"Play Something Upbeat"

Often, I feel as if I am an alien from another planet. Do I hear music differently than other people? Have I so completely deluded myself into blurring the lines between trashy pop hits and respectable music that people are laughing at me? Or maybe there's some food in my teeth... I don't know. And it's when things like this happen that I begin to question myself.

Saturday night, I'm at the Tiger's Tale in Montgomery, NJ (which DOES exist, Don). It's just outside of Princeton, so I know it's a fairly "normal", educated, competent section of New Jersey. I'm setting up for karaoke night, and I'm playing a few tunes from my iPod to get things warmed up. The manager comes up to me and says, "Could you turn up the volume? And maybe play something a little more upbeat, we have a pretty young crowd in here tonight".

By "young crowd", she meant "people born in the late '60s, early '70s".

And the song I was playing when she asked me to play something "a little more upbeat" was "Got to Get You Into My Life" by Earth, Wind & Fire. It's a cover of a fairly upbeat, soulful Beatles song by one of the great upbeat funk bands of all time.

If you fancy yourself a DJ, try that one on for size. Go on, try and think of something MORE upbeat. There' s plenty of things equally upbeat to this song, but try "taking it up a notch".

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Looks like I gotta go find some more "upbeat" records.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Dumb Hipster Slang Update

A rare Saturday night at home allowed me to catch a full episode of Saturday Night Live for the first time in several years. Good to see they share my disdain for hipster slang.

From the Archives, Volume II

Friday, December 29, 2006

Milky's Greatest Moment of 2006

Several years ago, at the radio station I still DJ at (, I created a pre-recorded show for the automation player, which is basically a CD player which plays pre-recorded shows when no one is available to DJ. I still hear it every once in a while, especially over the summer, when there are fewer people around to DJ.

Fast forward to June 2006. I'm returning from a night of drinking at the Ale n' Wich to Reverend Quill's house on Woodbridge St. for the after-party. As we're walking upstairs, I hear a very familiar song coming from one of the rooms. I paused, quietly, to listen.. it was Squidvicar! Now, Squidvicar is an immensely obscure band, being that they've put out only one EP, which wasn't released by any record label, and only available through the Hammer & Tongs website (Squidvicar's alter-ego, who've directed some of the greatest music videos ever, as well as the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy motion picture). So, obviously, you can see my puzzlement here.

I whispered to the Reverend, "that's Squidvicar! who lives in that room?"

"Two lesbians," replied the Reverend.

Then, I heard my own voice.

"What the fuck! That's my radio show!"

"Oh yeah, they're big fans of the Core," the Reverend informed me.

So, it turns out two lesbians were merely listening to my old radio show. Drunkenly, The Reverend stumbles into their room, looking for beer and/or pot.

"Ooops. Sorry."

The Reverend quickly turned around and closed the door.

"I think they were having sex."

So there you have it. Two lesbians were having sex while listening to my radio show.
Easily the greatest moment of 2006, and easily a strong contender for the All-Time Greatest Moments Top Ten. God bless the Core, and God bless lesbians. I love you all.

Foodstuffs I

Just call it my angel of the morning...

There's a reason very few boxes of Kellogg's Strawberry Delight Frosted Mini-Wheats remain when I go to pick one up at the Stop n' Shop every week. It is the pink crack of breakfast cereals. I can't stop, even if I wanted to. Plus, the 5 grams of dietary fiber per serving make sure my number two's are nice & regular. God bless you, Kelloggs.