Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Big Sunglasses: Follow-up

Dear Milky,

I have big sunglasses but I am a guy. They are not big big, but they are pretty big. Am I a d-bag? If it helps you decide, I am 5'11" and have a medium to ugly face and somewhat tan skin.

~Grad Student in Piscataway

Dear Grad Student,

Great question. I realized after that post that I spent a lot of time hating on the ladies and giving ZZ Top lots of props (not that they don't deserve it). And today, I happened to walk past a dude wearing rather large frames. And yes, he did look like a major douchenozzle. Here's the problem: You want to look fabulous (who doesn't?), but right now, large frames are a cop-out. You're saying to the rest of the world, "I think I look fab, but really I'm just a mindless idiot". It's not to say you can't pull it off. For instance, if you are into glam rock, or are a musician in a glam-rock band, or generally endorse the glam-rock lifestyle of cocaine, tastefully gaudy clothing, bi-sexuality, sleazy riffs copped from T.Rex and drum beats copped from Gary Glitter, then you can probably pull it off, as it is almost expected of you:



Elton


Spacehog


Ian Hunter of Mott the Hoople

But chances are, you are not an actual rocker. Even if you play an instrument in a band, your band probably sucks. Subtract more points if your band is not signed to a record label, and even more if the extent of your "tour schedule" is limited to the tri-state area. So for you, big sunglasses are out.

Getting more to the point: sunglasses make everyone infinitely cooler. Unless you wear sunglasses that make you look like a clown. You don't need them. Simplicity will always win. Stop wearing big stupid sunglasses, and you will be just fine. That is all.

Monday, May 19, 2008

My Nipples

Now for a slightly revealing, if a bit unnerving, factoid about yours truly.

I have very perky nipples. Very hard. It's one of the few things I'm overly self-conscious of. And they make their presence well-known through lesser t-shirts. I do my best to hide them at all times. If not, it always appears as if I have just walked out of a meat locker. Recently, I stumbled upon these:




"Nipple concealer adhesives". Yes, it's geared for the ladies, but definitely something I can make use of. God bless America.

Link: Commando Nipple Concealer Adhesives

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Kars 4 [Jewish] Kids

This "Kars 4 Kids" charity has bothered me for a long time. It just seemed too generic. Like it was a front for something. Their stupid ad is all over the radio, every day. What charity can afford to constantly advertise on radio and highway billboards? And the billboards have pictures of cute little kids.... like "Awww... donate your old car, save the children!"

So today, after hearing that stupid "1-877 kars for kids" jingle for the billionth time, I decided to do a little digging. It took all of 2 minutes of Google searching to discover this charity funnels the proceeds from the scrapped autos to a group promoting orthodox Jewish education with flights to Israel and Jewish summer camp:

[[ In 2005, $2.8 million of JOY’s $3.1 million total program services expenses went to an organization called Oorah, according to JOY’s 501 (c)3 tax form for 2005.

Oorah’s goal, according to its Web site, is to awaken Jewish children and their families to their heritage, by sending them to Jewish day schools, or yeshivos, or even helping pay for their airfare to, or education in, Israel.

“While the children learn and grow, we bring adult education opportunities to the parents, as well as all the ritual objects and support they need to live a full Jewish life,” the organization reports. ]]

It's not that I have a problem with orthodox Jews. But I do have a huge problem with deceptive advertising like this. It's almost as bad as big sunglasses (almost).


Here's the full story: Charity News Stories - Scams

Youtube: WPIX Fact Finders

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Big Sunglasses: Are we done yet?



It's fashion week over here in Piscataway blog central. Or rather, hate-on fashion week. I don't purport to know much about fashion. You've probably seen the way I dress, it's nothing special. I'm a big fan of clearance racks, Target, black t-shirts, and Dickies. I'm also a big fan of being pissed-off by stupid fashion trends. Today's stupid fashion trend: big sunglasses.

Big sunglasses have been en vogue for a few years now. Wearing them is most commonly referred to as "The Jackie O Look":


(For the record, Jackie O copped this look from French actress Anouk Aimee):



For whatever reason, celebrity party girls, who may or may not actually know who "Jackie O" is, went apeshit for big sunglasses:



The problem with wearing big sunglasses is, you look like an asshole.



Now, girls who wear these probably don't think they look like assholes. They probably think they look "cute", or perhaps "fashionable", because they are simply falling in with the current trend of ditzy celebrity girls who are trying to hide their unkempt face from photographers. I'm sure there were five or six minutes there in 2005 when most people would regard this trend as "cute". Then it just became annoying.



Now, if you have real friends, I'm talking about the kinds of friends that would help you move dead bodies or tell you that you have food stuck in your teeth, they will/should tell you that you look like a royal fuckwad when wearing those sunglasses. And if they were true, 100% BFF's, they would also promptly remove them from your face and smash them on the ground into a million pieces. Unless your friend also thinks big sunglasses are cool, then you are SOL, and doomed to a lifetime of looking like a total douchebag.



"Oh Milky. You're such a hater. What kind of sunglasses SHOULD I wear?" I'm glad you asked! First off, you should immediately put on the song "Cheap Sunglasses" by ZZ Top. Partly because it's a sweet slice of 70's Texas funk-boogie, but also because it will inspire you to find a pair of quality, cheap, badass-looking sunglasses.



The key is to find sunglasses that fit your personality. Now, there are only so many styles of sunglasses, so it's pretty easy to narrow down. Why most girls would want to portray the personality of "vapid, egomaniacal, drunken celebrity party girl diva" by wearing oversized sunglasses is beyond me. There you see a picture of the aforementioned ZZ Top. The Top pretty much wear sunglasses 24 hours a day. There are almost no photographs of them NOT wearing sunglasses. Here, 2 of the three members went with the classic Ray-Ban Wayfarers, and Dusty Hill (left) is sporting a classic 60's square top. Both are timeless looks, and are definitively "rock and roll". Couple that with the legendary beards and the legendary riffs, and you have some bad-ass motherfuckers. Now, you don't have to grow a massive beard or write a song as good as "La Grange" to wear sunglasses and look cool. Part of the enjoyment of wearing sunglasses is the kind of instant, carefree "cool factor" they provide (in addition to shielding your eyes from harmful ultraviolet radiation). Ladies, it's unnecessary to think "the bigger the sunglasses, the better". A sophisticated, yet understated pair of shades will go a lot further than this in-your-face aesthetic of oversized nonsense. True, the slightly oversize Aviator sunglasses are also bad-ass, but it's a very tough look to pull off. You must be a pilot, a California Highway Patrol officer, Tom Cruise circa '86, or a rock musician who's music does not suck to wear them.


Yes


No


Yes


No


I could go on forever, but choosing a decent pair of sunglasses is really pretty easy. Just don't buy any that cover half your face or make you look like a complete fucktard. Keep it simple. Go for classic looks. Make sure the glass is dark, the frame is sturdy, and the world will be a better place for all of us.



Special thanks to the Cute Girls in Stupid Sunglasses blog.


Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Tambourine Etiquette

Ah yes, the tambourine. What a beautiful instrument. It's texture is subtle, yet arousing. When used properly, it elicits a kind of added excitement to music. However, at some of the recent karaoke nights at the Harvest Moon, I have noticed a distinct lack of respect for the tambourine. Drunken fools are haphazardly handling this beautiful instrument and treating it as a childs' toy, much to the annoyance of myself and others. What is it about the tambourine that does not command respect from certain individuals?

Yes, it is a simple instrument. Yet, most people lack the natural rhythm necessary to handle it. True, the brightly colored yellow tambourine I employ at karaoke night does closely resemble one which a child might occasionally bang on, but that's only because people kept ripping off the nicer ones I would bring (such as the one in the picture above.. nice brass jingles, molded plastic handle, ergonomic and easy-to-play half-moon shape). Perhaps people have not fully considered the concept and application of the tambourine.

The tambourine has been employed by every great rock and pop band in the history of recorded music. For starters, you could take a look at the roster of Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductees, and you won't find one that hasn't used the tambourine as an accent in any number of great songs. From the ominous opening bars of Marvin Gaye's "I Heard It Through the Grapevine" to near lead-instrument status in Jet's "Are You Gonna Be My Girl?", from the Beatles to the Stones to the Jackson Five to almost every Oasis song ever recorded, the tambourine is more than an accent, it provides either a sweet flourish, a breathy layer, a deft swing, a swift kick, or lots of forward momentum. (This is not to say there are no detractors: In my old band, The Carpetbaggers, our lead singer Lars flat-out refused to play the tambourine on any song. He was way too into math-rock at the time to be bothered with such things. Lars would later go on to split a pig's skull open and roast the pig at our Cinco de Mayo party last year.)

Some thoughts on employing the tambourine for karaoke purposes:

- There are always certain songs which automatically call for tambourine. "Shout" by the Isley Brothers. Any Monkees song. Any Oasis song. The part in "Bohemian Rhapsody" for the line "...sends shivers down my spine [insert quick tambourine shake here], body's aching all the time." (drummer Roger Taylor employed a large orchestral triangle for the sound on the recorded version, but most karaoke dj's won't carry a large triangle with them). I'm fond of adding tambourine to the gospel choir part in Madonna's "Like a Prayer".

- Less is always more. I'm sure there are very few songs where the tambourine is played from start to finish. Keep the excitement of the tambourine fresh, use it only at key moments. When in doubt, use it during the chorus.

- Recently, for two weeks in a row, some dumb lipstick hippie chick would bogart the tambourine for, like, two hours. SHUT UP! This isn't a jam session, no one wants to hear you "rock out" the tambourine for two hours, especially the people who are trying to sing their song. Quit being such an attention whore.

- Sometimes, the tambourine is so critical to a song, it sounds empty without it. Make sure if you are singing one of these songs, you are prepared to go when it's your turn. Secure the tambourine as soon as possible.

- Lastly, if you lack rhythm, a little practice might go a long way. Nothing sounds worse than an out-of-time tambourine.

As you can see, I am a big fan of the tambourine, but it must be used properly. Adherence to these simple rules will help you establish your rock star credentials, and will vault you into the upper-echelon of karaoke masters.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

From the Archives, Volume III

Monday, April 10, 2006


Complaints

Today I wrote two letters of complaint to corporate offices. Most likely, they will go unread by anyone of importance, but it's been some time since I've felt so wronged as a consumer.

Today I ventured to the "A&W All American Food" franchise in Edison for some cheese curds and a root beer float. As a child, I have fond memories of stopping at an A&W stand in colorado on road trips to my grandparents house. I had yet to visit this particular A&W location, but it was with great anticipation that we ventured down Route 1 to partake in glorious root beer-related goodness. I left feeling more than a bit cheated, even violated.
Several things infuriated me as a consumer:

-They did not have any cheese curds. This item is currently featured prominently on their website, as well as with in-store signage. And if you've ever had cheese curds, you can imagine my disappointment.

-They did not have the ability to make a root beer float. "The float machine is broken". This is a fucking root beer stand!!!! I mean, ice cream + root beer = hydrogen + 2 oxygen!! FUCK!!!!!

-I asked for a chili cheese dog and got a double cheeseburger instead.

-The root beer that was on tap at their soda fountain WAS FLAT!! THIS IS A GOD DAMN MOTHERFUCKING ROOT BEER STAND! FUCK FUCK!!!!!!
(entertaining side note: on the dispenser for the diet A&W was a handwritten note that "taste before filling cup"... uhhhh...)

-We waited a solid 15 minutes for "fast food"...

-There was one guy making the food

-The cashiers drug dealer walked in and handed him a sealed cigar which he inspected for several minutes instead of helping his cook

-The bathroom smelled like death

-There were no readily available napkins

Did I mention that there were no root beer floats and the root beer was flat at a FUCKING ROOT BEER STAND?

anyway, onto consumer complaint ..2

I, being a music video junkie, regularly tune into the MTV2 program "Subterranean" on sunday nights at midnight, being that it's the last vestage of cutting-edge music-related programming on the channel (or on television for that matter). Sunday at midnight was also the former time slot for the much-revered "120 Minutes" program on MTV, god rest it's soul.
Recently, MTV2 has been running repeats of "Viva La Bam" for the 14556045000000th time in it's place, and pushing SUbterranean back to 3 AM, because apparently there is some stipulation that at least 50% of the programming on the channel has to involve Bam Margera (god im sick of that asshole).
Are ratings on sunday night at midnight really that important? isn't it ok to have just one somewhat progressive music-related program air at a decent hour?

why can't I relax on a sunday???! fucking corporate machine!