Steal Music

So, long story short, this past weekend a massive electrical fire vaporized 2/3rds of my DJ equipment. I decide it's a good time to make the jump to "laptop DJ". So I've bought my laptop and new mixer and all that, and am doing research into some DJ software.

However, it seems that all of the songs I have dutifully purchased from the iTunes store, with their "DRM" (digital rights management) are pretty much either
a) unplayable by most DJ software programs, or
b) not cue-able by most DJ software programs (in other words, you can't listen to the song in your headphones before you play it live)

In another display of why the music industry continues to ream itself in the ass, then continually complain about people illegally downloading music (and sometimes suing them for thousands of dollars). This is why I will continue to blame Lars Ulrich for most of the world's ills. Thanks again, Lars.

Played-Out Karaoke Songs: Are We Done Yet?

I know YOU think they rock... you being the stupid drunken d-bag who anxiously and excitedly hands me your karaoke slip and asks, "has anyone done Journey yet tonight?"

Of course, by "Journey", you mean, "Don't Stop Belivin'", Journey's #1 hit from November 1981. Rarely are other Journey songs performed, which is somewhat remarkable considering their abundant amount of hit songs and rock-radio staples. Which is why I present to you this list of PLAYED-OUT SHIT, and perhaps suggest a few alternatives that will win you freshness and credibility points, as well as the enthusiasm of a crowd who are currently numbing to these over-played classics.



Song: "Don't Stop Believin'"
Artist: Journey

So much has been said and so much more could be said about this song, that it's a waste of time to talk about it here. There was a global energy for this song a few years ago, as Journey began a slight revival in popularity, and so much has happened since (references in Family Guy and The Sopranos, most famously) that the magic is gone. We need to put this baby to bed for a while, so that one day it can return in all it's arena-rock glory.

Suggested alternatives: Any Way You Want It, Lights, Open Arms, Faithfully



Song: "Sweet Caroline"
Artist: Neil Diamond

From now on, it should be a law that you have to sing at least 4 other Neil Diamond songs before you can perform "Sweet Caroline". No other artist is so criminally underrepresented at karaoke nights than ol' Neil. The man has stacks of hit records, yet we are continually subjected to the constant refrains/obligations of answering "so good, so good, so good" that it's hard to get jacked up for it anymore. Special thanks to Angry Mark for keeping it real at the Harvest Moon karaoke nights.

Suggested alternatives: Cracklin' Rosie, I Am... I Said, Song Sung Blue, He Ain't Heavy - He's My Brother.



Song: Anything over 7 minutes long - including: "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" by Meat Loaf, "Piano Man" by Billy Joel, and "American Pie" by Don MacLean.

Unless you are employed professionally as a performance artist (stage, screen, music, or otherwise), it is impossible to hold an audience's attention for more than about five minutes. Anything longer than that is purely self-indulgent, and you will bore everyone to tears.

Suggested alternatives: anything under five minutes in length.







Song: "Baby Got Back"
Artist: Sir Mix-A-Lot

I've yet to see someone perform this in an entertaining fashion, save for the one time a middle-aged white man performed a surreal, Lou Reed-like version at a party several months back. And drunk white girls love getting hyphy to rap songs they know the words to, the problem is, even with the words on the screen in front of them, they flub the delivery through the majority of the song. And rap songs generally don't make for good three-person sing-alongs. I would strongly suggest that if you intend to karaoke a rap song, you practice at least several times a day for three to five months and perform it solo. Otherwise, you look more like an idiot than you already are.

Suggested alternatives: Practice your rapping at home.



Song: "Ice Ice Baby"
Artist: Vanilla Ice

This song isn't funny in an ironic way, nor is it entertaining or fun to listen to. It's painfully stupid. When I watch you sing this with unrelenting enthusiasm along with your "bros" as you swill Coors Light from a plastic bottle, I just want to do the human race a favor, and beat you over the head with a mic stand until you die.

Suggested Alternatives: Death.




Song: "Livin' on a Prayer"
Artist: Bon Jovi

Yes, we live in New Jersey, and I understand that celebrated pop/fluff metal rockers Bon Jovi also hail from this area (Sayreville reprazent), which is why you enjoy them doubly. Surely, they recorded songs other than this one. Why don't you try one sometime? No? That hurts your little brain? Oh. OK, I'm sorry..... "TOMMMY USED TO WORK ON THE DOOOOOOCKS..."

Suggested alternatives: Bad Medicine, Lay Your Hands on Me, You Give Love a Bad Name, Blaze of Glory, Runaway



Idea for this blog post partially jacked from:
http://www.holytaco.com/2008/06/17/14-songs-you-should-never-play-in-a-bar/

List of Stupid Things People Have Said Whilst I DJ

I really need to start keeping a list of of the stupid things people say to me when I'm DJ'ing. Let's start from this past Saturday.

Date: 5/31
Event: Graduation party, Jersey shore area
What was said:
D-bag: "Yeah, you the DJ? These your CD's?"
Me: "Yessir."
D-bag: "Ok, you think you can play something a little more upbeat? We're about to slit our wrists back here."
Why this is funny:
The song that was playing at the time was Louis Prima's "Jump, Jive 'n Wail". I'm having a hard time picturing despondent goth/emo kids sitting at home, listening to Louis Prima and contemplating suicide.

It's Got What Plants Crave!

A couple years ago, Mike Judge (creator/writer/producer of Beavis & Butt-head and Office Space), released his latest movie, "Idiocracy", to little fanfare (other than the fact that it was "a new movie by the guy who did Office Space). The more I watch this movie, the more I come to realize it's brilliance. [IMDB link]. Basically, Luke Wilson is a low-level military officer who is used in a government experiment which goes awry. He wakes up 500 years in the future to a society where the trailer-trash morons of the world have out-bred the intelligent, and the average IQ has been reduced significantly. There's a lot of social commentary, a lot of which deals with the saturation of advertising in our lives. So one of the problems vexing society in this movie is "the drought". People can't figure out why plants won't grow, even though they irrigate their soil with "Brawndo - The Thirst Mutilator", a sports-energy drink in the style of Gatorade. Brawndo's principal advertising point is "electrolytes", and society has been conditioned to believe that Brawndo is superior to water, as "it's got what plants crave! It's got electrolytes!".

Oh boy, today I see Tiger Woods has his own line of Gatorade product. And what does it have?
25% MORE ELECTROLYTES! I had no idea golfers got so dehyrdated!!! John Daly needs electrolytes, stat!


I guess this is only really funny if you have seen and enjoy the movie Idiocracy. It makes me laugh, but in a way, it's kind of scary. Anyhoo, you can also buy Brawndo now too, from the hysterical Brawndo website. I think I'll just pick up a t-shirt.

Big Sunglasses: Follow-up

Dear Milky,

I have big sunglasses but I am a guy. They are not big big, but they are pretty big. Am I a d-bag? If it helps you decide, I am 5'11" and have a medium to ugly face and somewhat tan skin.

~Grad Student in Piscataway

Dear Grad Student,

Great question. I realized after that post that I spent a lot of time hating on the ladies and giving ZZ Top lots of props (not that they don't deserve it). And today, I happened to walk past a dude wearing rather large frames. And yes, he did look like a major douchenozzle. Here's the problem: You want to look fabulous (who doesn't?), but right now, large frames are a cop-out. You're saying to the rest of the world, "I think I look fab, but really I'm just a mindless idiot". It's not to say you can't pull it off. For instance, if you are into glam rock, or are a musician in a glam-rock band, or generally endorse the glam-rock lifestyle of cocaine, tastefully gaudy clothing, bi-sexuality, sleazy riffs copped from T.Rex and drum beats copped from Gary Glitter, then you can probably pull it off, as it is almost expected of you:



Elton


Spacehog


Ian Hunter of Mott the Hoople

But chances are, you are not an actual rocker. Even if you play an instrument in a band, your band probably sucks. Subtract more points if your band is not signed to a record label, and even more if the extent of your "tour schedule" is limited to the tri-state area. So for you, big sunglasses are out.

Getting more to the point: sunglasses make everyone infinitely cooler. Unless you wear sunglasses that make you look like a clown. You don't need them. Simplicity will always win. Stop wearing big stupid sunglasses, and you will be just fine. That is all.

My Nipples

Now for a slightly revealing, if a bit unnerving, factoid about yours truly.

I have very perky nipples. Very hard. It's one of the few things I'm overly self-conscious of. And they make their presence well-known through lesser t-shirts. I do my best to hide them at all times. If not, it always appears as if I have just walked out of a meat locker. Recently, I stumbled upon these:




"Nipple concealer adhesives". Yes, it's geared for the ladies, but definitely something I can make use of. God bless America.

Link: Commando Nipple Concealer Adhesives

Kars 4 [Jewish] Kids

This "Kars 4 Kids" charity has bothered me for a long time. It just seemed too generic. Like it was a front for something. Their stupid ad is all over the radio, every day. What charity can afford to constantly advertise on radio and highway billboards? And the billboards have pictures of cute little kids.... like "Awww... donate your old car, save the children!"

So today, after hearing that stupid "1-877 kars for kids" jingle for the billionth time, I decided to do a little digging. It took all of 2 minutes of Google searching to discover this charity funnels the proceeds from the scrapped autos to a group promoting orthodox Jewish education with flights to Israel and Jewish summer camp:

[[ In 2005, $2.8 million of JOY’s $3.1 million total program services expenses went to an organization called Oorah, according to JOY’s 501 (c)3 tax form for 2005.

Oorah’s goal, according to its Web site, is to awaken Jewish children and their families to their heritage, by sending them to Jewish day schools, or yeshivos, or even helping pay for their airfare to, or education in, Israel.

“While the children learn and grow, we bring adult education opportunities to the parents, as well as all the ritual objects and support they need to live a full Jewish life,” the organization reports. ]]

It's not that I have a problem with orthodox Jews. But I do have a huge problem with deceptive advertising like this. It's almost as bad as big sunglasses (almost).


Here's the full story: Charity News Stories - Scams

Youtube: WPIX Fact Finders